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Zakzzz5 Profile
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reclaimed by an ocean


“reclaimed by an ocean”

the green rain
floods the thirsty fields
and the wind bangs
in my chest

look out dormer windows
at the grey unfurling
engulf the valley
the cloud bank
on the ridge
the wet trees

to be
in the wind,
without saying
one word, grey
shadows on farms
and high dark trees

to inhale
and remember and forget
that in the rain
we are fish again.
Mar/15/2009, 8:02 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:

“reclaimed by an ocean”

the green rain
floods the thirsty fields
and the wind bangs
in my chest

look out dormer windows
at the grey unfurling
engulf the valley
the cloud bank
on the ridge
the wet trees

to be
in the wind,
without saying
one word, grey
shadows on farms
and high dark trees

to inhale
and remember and forget
that in the rain
we are fish again.



"and the wind bangs
in my chest"

This to me is implosive language. It makes the moment interior, internalized. And the wind bangs/ in my chest. This tells me something big is foretended. And the bigness delivers in the poem's last strophe, or how it is the poem tells me what I know in my body, which is that fish instinct is closer to what I am than what I am now. This is how I read the poem.

Unfurling and engulf. Both words strike me as unfortunate because amounting to lazy language. These are the only problems I have with what, otherwise, is strong poetry.

Tere
Mar/16/2009, 11:13 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


Terreson wrote:

This to me is implosive language. It makes the moment interior, internalized. And the wind bangs/ in my chest. This tells me something big is foretended. And the bigness delivers in the poem's last strophe, or how it is the poem tells me what I know in my body, which is that fish instinct is closer to what I am than what I am now. This is how I read the poem. [Brilliant interpretation. Interesting how readers often articulate what the poet has not yet articulated rationally.]

Unfurling and engulf. Both words strike me as unfortunate because amounting to lazy language. These are the only problems I have with what, otherwise, is strong poetry. [Yes, you hit the area that I myself was concerned about. The teacher in the one poetry writing class I took after coming out of the army would have defined the problem as "writing is dense here." Thanks, Zak.]

Tere
Mar/17/2009, 7:57 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


Hi Zak,

I am drawn to the simplicity of this poem. The two highpoints for me are:

"and the wind bangs
in my chest"

and the last stanza:

"to inhale
and remember and forget
that in the rain
we are fish again."


A few suggestions to consider. In S2, how about something like:

"look out dormer windows
at the grey
engulfing the valley
the cloud bank
on the ridge
the wet trees"?

And in S3, perhaps:

"to be
in the wind
without a
word, grey"?

Not sure how I feel about your use of "grey" twice in the poem. Grey gives me the sense of a murky, underwater feeling, which is appropriate to the ending, and foreshadows it. The first few times I read the poem it bothered me, but the last few times I read the poem, it didn't. emoticon

The poem reminds me of calligraphy. You sketch out the scene with a few deft strokes.
Mar/28/2009, 3:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


Katlin,

Thanks for the comments and advice. Sorry I had not replied. Have been unable to spend time here, lately. Zak
Apr/12/2009, 1:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
CF90 Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


Zak,

My only lame comment would be to change the title.

I fear it a touch wrought, and far too telling.

Perhaps only 'Water' or 'Ocean'.

The final section:

to inhale
and remember and forget
that in the rain
we are fish again.

Is really good, good stuff.
On the whole this piece brings me to tears.

I also so might suggest to axe the second section, I don't think it is written badly, of itself it is not bad poetry, I just don't feel it forwards the action. It languished, perhaps save it for another poem?

the green rain
floods the thirsty fields
and the wind bangs
in my chest

to be
in the wind,
without saying
one word, grey
shadows on farms
and high dark trees

to inhale
and remember and forget
that in the rain
we are fish again.
Apr/22/2009, 5:03 am Link to this post Send Email to CF90   Send PM to CF90
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


CF90,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I looked at your notes and will look at them again. Zak
Apr/25/2009, 11:09 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: reclaimed by an ocean


Hi Zakzz,

Nice job. I wonder if your elisions always work though. Sometimes it sounds like a bit of text has been left out accidentally.

Also, in the rain humans are not fish, not even remotely like fish.

Let me count the ways.

I'm not saying similes and metaphors are verboten, just that this one is too much of a stretch.

Diana

.
Jun/3/2009, 8:24 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 


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