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ChrisD1 Profile
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untitled


Try not to blame
the underside of loss
for breathing

for floating to the surface
clear of tendrils

for its place among the others
pulling warmth


Last edited by ChrisD1, Jun/4/2009, 9:34 am
May/31/2009, 5:56 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: untitled


Chris,

First reaction is that this reminds me of some poets from the sixtees. Can't remember the names of the poets, but they were highly popular but not considered serious poets. However, I take your poem here seriously. And the reason I take it more serious than those sixtees poets who, by the way, collected enormous paychecks, is that your poem "suggests" a lot of "potential" that is felt rather than understood rationally. It is not felt in an overly wrought (right word) or over-emotional way, rather it is "sensed." Thank you for posting this small poem. Zakzzz5

 ChrisD1 wrote:

Try not to blame
the underside of loss
for breathing [great stuff because breathing is so elemental, and so is loss, but what is the "underside" of loss? For me this takes it to another level, that and the juxtaposition of the two concepts]

for floating to the surface
clear of tendrils [Again, good stuff. Concrete image of the tendrils. Not the floating to the surface of ideas, or emotions, or sadness, or whatever, but of tendrils, yet "tendrils" is suggestive of all those things.]

for its place among the others
pulling warmth ["pulling warmth" suggests those sixtees poets -- Rod McQuen (mispelled), but in context with the above, is more serious. For me it's the weakest part of the poem, but the weakness is not catastrophic.]

Last edited by Zakzzz5, Jun/6/2009, 7:06 am
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ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: untitled


Thank you Zak, for stopping by and spending time with this one.

The McKuin (sp?) reference is kind of ouchie
but deserved, I think.

Good to hear from you, Zak.

Chris
Jun/6/2009, 8:45 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: untitled


Boy! This poem speaks to me essentially. Line control is something I've come to expect from you, Chrisfriend. You do have a way for carrying over the big things in ellipses. This is a strength of yours. You also have a way for sticking to what is immediate and sensual, or for turning a thought into something fleshy, like breathing and skin surface touch and warmth. And I think I get what your poem means to say. That loss in-forms who we are right now as much as the gains do. A pretty philosophical notion there, my friend.

By the way. Rod McKuen to this day enjoys wide popularity in Europe. Go figure. Are they crazy or are we Americans somehow stunted in our sensibilities?

Tere
Jun/6/2009, 6:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: untitled


Tere,

Thank you for your comments. So the Europeans love Rod McKuen, go figure. I'm still trying to understand what the French see in those Jerry Lewis movies.

Thanks again for your response to this. It felt solid when I posted it, then it didn't, now...

Chris
Jun/7/2009, 9:17 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: untitled


Chris,

You lost me in the first stanza. No image whatsover. The underside of loss is impossible to picture, even if it's breathing.

Can't you begin with something a reader can see? Something less abstract than what you have now?

Lots of potential here. The mood comes through unmistakeably. Needs work.

Diana

.
Jun/10/2009, 11:06 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 
Yolee Profile
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Re: untitled


Hi Chris-

Good to read you again.
I don't mind abstract lines in poems.
I wonder though, if when you title this,
could it be a solid image that will grab hold of the reader? Like
"As Rain Drips from the Umbrella"

I do like that the poem reaches
for a good place without a making a big fuss.

Try not to blame
the underside of loss
for breathing

for floating to the surface
clear of tendrils

for its place among (the) others
pulling warmth



Peace,
Yoly
Jun/12/2009, 1:14 pm Link to this post Send Email to Yolee   Send PM to Yolee
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: untitled


Hi Chris,

I like the understated, intimate quality of this poem. Like Yoly, I am not bothered by the lack of images. My own preference would be for a title, but, then again, Aunt Emily never bothered with them.
Jun/12/2009, 5:40 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: untitled


thanks everyone, for your comments. This definintely needs a title; one that provides context I think.

thank you again,

Chris
Jun/12/2009, 7:44 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 


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