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dmanister Profile
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Poem with Refrain by Henry James final version


Poem with Refrain by Henry James


A sunlit arm
moving to and fro
in a dark window,
cutting, rubbing or
puncturing something, a
part the hidden discloses:

the whole of anything
is never known.


a backfin in dim water,
the visible range of
a rainbow,
a slip of the tongue
broaching the closed,
simmering Kilauea
pluming smoke:

the whole of anything
is never known.


.



Poem with a Last Line by Henry James


Parts the hidden discloses: the visible range
of the rainbow, a fin above dim water, a sunlit

arm moving back and forth in a dark window
cutting, rubbing or puncturing something,

or a slip of the tongue broaching the closed,
simmering Kilauea pluming smoke.

The whole of anything is never known.






original
Poem with a Last Line by Henry James

Parts the hidden discloses: a sunlit arm
moving back and forth in a dark window,
cutting, rubbing or puncturing something,
or a fin above dim water, words unsaid or
words unintended, a slip of the tongue
exposing covert motives, something covered
over, simmering Kileuea pluming smoke.
The whole of anything is never known.


Last edited by dmanister, Jul/26/2009, 8:14 am
Jun/3/2009, 8:18 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Poem with a Last Line by Henry James-REVISED


Goodness, but I should love the idea more developed. Give me a page at least before I have to treat with the likes of Henry James. Or his brother.

Tere
Jun/6/2009, 7:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: Poem with a Last Line by Henry James-REVISED


Dear Tere,

Thanks so much for your crit. I think it needs development too. But there's a lot in there now.

Like Henry's repressed rage under the volcano!

I didn't get notified of your post. sorry to come to it late.

Best,

Diana
Jun/10/2009, 10:43 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Poem with a Last Line by Henry James-REVISED


Hi Diana,

I like the concept behind this poem and the way you have gone about executing it. I agree with Tere that this could be developed a bit more.
  
Here's the way I thought to cut the first version (sorry I didn't get to put this up sooner):

"The hidden discloses: a sunlit arm
moving in a dark window, cutting,
rubbing or puncturing something,
or a fin above dim water, words unsaid or
words unintended, something covered
over, simmering Kileuea pluming smoke.
The whole of anything is never known."

I like the revision but don't think you need "back and forth." The arm motion is clear from the other descriptors: "cutting, rubbing or puncturing something." I also don't think you need "broaching the closed."

HTH.

Last edited by Katlin, Jun/12/2009, 5:41 pm
Jun/12/2009, 5:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: Poem with Recurring Thought by Henry James 3rd revision


Tere and Katlin,

Rus Bowden gave me some great advice on this poem. I hadn't seen all your posts when I did this version, but I hope it addresses some of your concerns.

Thanks!

Diana

.
Jun/13/2009, 9:27 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 


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