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deepwaters Profile
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Frightening Days


(Violence against Iranian Green Movement started on June 13, 2009, and still continues. A montage of some images of the recent events can be found here)

Frightening Days

You might think that they would be dark
where moments slowed down to a lazy buzz
Not bright, heat licking at your cheek
drums beating to the tune of your purpled chest

You might think that they would be holed
hungry shoes grinding hot sand between the toes
Not pasted, Nike fancies lined up like rainbows
sticking in to the pavements waxed with blood

You might think that they would be full of screams
maybe muffled or loud, maybe with eyes closed
Not the silence of self-taped mouths, crossroads
spreading on every face squinting against the Sun

You might think that they would be drained
of color, dark gray like an old winter that refuses to die
Not the cool green of an early spring
You might think.
Aug/2/2009, 8:50 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Shab,

Thank you for the link to the song and montage. I'd seen many of those pictures and
some videos as these events were unfolding. Riveting images.

The image of shoes sticking to the bloody pavement is unexpected and effective--Nikes,
not sandals. Would you consider this

stuck in the blood waxed pavement (?)

I like the repetition of "you might think," highlighting the ordinariness of Nikes and spring weather against the brutality of the events and the courage of the people.

Good to see you posting, Shab!

Chris
Aug/5/2009, 8:46 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Wow, Shabfriend! I made a point of reading your poem before following the link. Reading, what got conjured was youthful defiance and passion. Especially in the line: "Not the cool green of an early spring." Then I go to the montage and I see all of these beautifully young people standing up, acting out on the streets of Tehran. Immediately I get that they are the future of their country, not its present regime. And this too your poem speaks to. S3 is particularly effective for me with the way you contrast the sure strength of silent defiance against fracturing noise. Well done.

Tere
Aug/9/2009, 1:46 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Deepwaters,

This is a first-class poem. I know your poetic influences are very different from mine, though I also know you must know a lot about English-speaking poets, maybe better than I do. This echoes Dylan Thomas in style. That's praise. I found a couple of areas that were problematic for me, though they don't appear to bother anybody else. Overall, I was very impressed by the compression and the vitality of the poem. I have my own reservations about our involvement in foreign turbulence, particularly since we are overstretched in a two-front war right now. There was a scholar from Iran on GPS who decried how we had flooded the radio waves over there with our own message. Of course, he was denounced by the moderator of the show. I just think we have to be very careful. I suspect in your case, you have good reason to write this wonderful poem you just wrote. Thanks for posting. Zak

quote:

deepwaters wrote:

(Violence against Iranian Green Movement started on June 13, 2009, and still continues. A montage of some images of the recent events can be found here)

Frightening Days

You might think that they would be dark
where moments slowed down to a lazy buzz
Not bright, heat licking at your cheek
drums beating to the tune of your purpled chest [The first stanza is problematic for me. I can see that "dark" is necessary to set up the contrast, and I can see that "purpled chest" might be necessary if you are projecting people getting shot, or perhaps symbolizing passion. Yet, the "dark" is not sufficiently articulated for me. "Lazy buzz" is also too ambiguous in this context. I think this stanza needs work.]

You might think that they would be holed ["holed" is a new way of saying it, and it might work]
hungry shoes grinding hot sand between the toes
Not pasted, Nike fancies lined up like rainbows
sticking in to the pavements waxed with blood

You might think that they would be full of screams
maybe muffled or loud, maybe [tentatives are always suspect in an otherwise tight poem] with eyes closed
Not the silence of self-taped mouths, crossroads
spreading on every face squinting against the Sun

You might think that they would be drained
of color, dark gray like an old winter that refuses to die
Not the cool green of an early spring
You might think.



null
Aug/16/2009, 8:57 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Chris-
Thank you for reading and for commenting. I am not sure about "stuck" because I was thinking of people walking and their shoes sticking to the pavement. I sense that "stuck" provokes a feeling of immobility.

--------------------------------
Tere-
I am glad that you saw the video afterward. I think that's where the link should have gone when I posted it. Thank you for your generous assessment.

-------------------------------
Zak-
Thank you for your detailed comments. They are very helpful. Your praise humbled me (imagine me typing from under the desk emoticon).

I find the first stanza problematic too. I will see what I can do with it.

Sep/16/2009, 5:53 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Hi Shab,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to read and comment on your poem. I very much like the way you have set this up: "You might think. . ." followed by "Not. . . ." Very effective.

I thought you might drop the last line of the last stanza ("You might think.") and end the poem on the emotionally evocative image:

"You might think that they would be drained
of color, dark gray like an old winter that refuses to die
Not the cool green of an early spring."




Oct/9/2009, 7:12 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Frightening Days


Dear K-friend,

My apologies for falling behind in keeping up with the board. I like your suggestion. I was conflicted about keeping the last line or letting it go. But, reading your comment, I realize keeping it does not give the reader enough credit; a property I do not appreciate in poems. Thank you for visiting me emoticon

-s
Oct/29/2009, 10:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


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