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SteveParker Profile
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le dormeur du val (cyborg translation from Rimbaud)


it is a hole of greenery where a river sings
hanging madly to grasses
tatters of money
where sun of the mountain shone
it is a small valley which foams of rays a young soldier
stop open naked head and the nape
bathes in cool blue cresses
sleep it is wide in grass under the naked one
pale in its green bed where the light rains the feet
in the gladeoli it sleeps smiling
as would smile a sick child
it makes a nap Nature
rocks it warmly: it is cold
the perfumes do not make any more shiver
its nostril it sleeps in the sun

the hand on its tranquille chest
two red holes on the right

Last edited by SteveParker, Dec/21/2009, 2:04 am
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Terreson Profile
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Re: le dormeur du val (cyborg translation from Rimbaud)


Good stuff. I notice the liberties taken prosodically, syntactically, imagistically, but not with textual meaning. The poem strikes me as true to Rimbaud's objectives. It also comes through evokatively.

I've always thought the sonnet should be viewed, maybe renewed, as less a matter of its canonically established form, with variants, and more a matter of its original impetus, its logic. Your transliteration kind of supports my thoughts. To me a sonnet's gestalt has to do with its argument answered by resolution. Nice touch there, ending on a couplet.

By way of compliment I found a YouTube thing everyone might enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XV_BToE8gD0

Tere

Last edited by Terreson, Dec/21/2009, 11:30 pm
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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: le dormeur du val (cyborg translation from Rimbaud)


Steve Parker,

I looked up another translation that was -- it seemed -- more literal. I see you putting your stamp on this; and I agree with Terreson that you probably kept the essence while wrapping your arms around it to make it yours, too.

As I try to say as often as I can, "I ain't a paid professional reviewer working for the New York Times." Thanks for posting. We'll talk more in-depth later. I read Garcia-Marquez in Spanish, so this kinf of thing does interest me; and read some Italian lit, too. Zak

quote:

SteveParker wrote:

it is a hole of greenery where a river sings
hanging madly to grasses
tatters of money [the absence of the mention of silver (argent?)makes it less romantic in feel. I know very little about Rimbaud; he's probably not a romantic, anyway. Don't know his intentions.]
where sun of the mountain shone
it is a small valley which foams of rays a young soldier
stop open naked head and the nape
bathes in cool blue cresses
sleep it is wide in grass under the naked one
pale in its green bed where the light rains the feet
in the gladeoli it sleeps smiling
as would smile a sick child
it makes a nap Nature
rocks it warmly: it is cold
the perfumes do not make any more shiver
its nostril it sleeps in the sun

the hand on its tranquille chest
two red holes on the right



Dec/22/2009, 11:30 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: le dormeur du val (cyborg translation from Rimbaud)


Steve,

After I read your translation a few times, I looked up a more literal one to get a feel for what the poem is about. I think the first and the last two lines of your version are very strong. I think the switch from "he" to "it" to reference the soldier works well, gives the ending a stronger emotional impact.

I wasn't sure why you used "shone" when the rest of the poem is in present tense. Maybe because I'm not used to your writing style, I stumbled on these lines:

"it is a small valley which foams of rays a young soldier
stop open naked head and the nape"

I figured out what they meant, but why not break after rays and let the rest of the stanza be chopped up, with scrambled syntax (which I think works, btw).

Good read. I like the way you've stretched and refreshed the poem while still keeping, as far as I can tell, close to the poem's original intent. Thanks for posting this.

Last edited by Katlin, Dec/22/2009, 5:02 pm
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SteveParker Profile
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Re: le dormeur du val (cyborg translation from Rimbaud)


Thanks to all for having a look. I did this by first translating it directly myself, then by running the original through an online translator a couple of times first into English then back into French then back into English so as to kind of shatter the syntax and make it very much an approximation of the original. I just like the way that that machine mind throws out over-literalisms and weird forms that are still real translations though run through several layers of code. Then I combined my version with the robot version. So this is a sort of cyborg translation.

Thanks for all the comments.

Steve.
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