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deepwaters Profile
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A Hero Dies Every Night


Could you guys stomach more war poems? Maybe include this as one of the three poems for the war poetry contest, even though it is not quite baked yet?



A Hero Dies Every Night

He wakes up every morning, fire
traveling the air in jagged
lines, blue colors
only his memory.

He packs his mother's eyes
in his chest and his father's heart
in his eyes;
a clutched Kalashnikov, his wings.

Day's fury around him, a fog
he needs to sift
through on his way home
to undress his wife
in the silence of the night.

The absence of moon, he is unaware,
he travels the dark curve
below her waist
to bury the day's barrage in tangled bodies
before the sun's tapping reveals

the smell of burnt hair in the sandbag
he was loving all night.



Last edited by deepwaters, Jan/15/2010, 11:47 am
Jan/13/2010, 4:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


deepwaters,

This is very good. Maybe because you indicated it wasn't quite ready, I threw in a couple of things. I don't see the hero dying, unless you mean sexually (as was used by the Metaphysical Poets). I'm sure the others will figure it out and explain it. Thanks for posting, and good luck. Zak

A Hero Dies Every Night

He wakes up every morning, fire
traveling the air in a jagged
line, blue coloring
only his memory. [This reads well. “Only” seems superfluous, but if you delete it, “his memory” is too thin. Not sure what the solution would be. Unless it’s dawn before sunrise, he might not see the tracers. Or I guess it could be a reference to lightning.]

He packs his mother's eyes
in his chest and his father's heart
in his eyes; [the heart in the eyes is difficult for me to absorb]
a clutched Kalashnikov, his wings.

Day's fury around him, a fog
he needs to sift
through on his way home
to undress his wife
in the silence of the night. [This stanza moves rather quickly from the fog of war to the bedroom. I wonder is there isn’t a better transitional way to do it. You have a way of bringing in intimacy and sex into the picture without being prurient. This is actually a good stanza. In the beginning when you say “Day’s fury around him,” you then rephrase it as the “fog.” It wasn’t until I reread this that I realized it might all be a dream. Later on you say he was loving the sandbag all night.]

The absence of moon, he is unaware,
he travels the dark curve
below her waist
to bury the day's barrage in tangled bodies
before the sun's tapping reveals

the smell of burnt hair in the sandbag
he was loving all night.
Jan/14/2010, 11:05 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


Zak -

Thanks for visiting this piece and taking the time to comment.

quote:

I don't see the hero dying, unless you mean sexually (as was used by the Metaphysical Poets). I'm sure the others will figure it out and explain it.


I had a few different meanings in mind. Maybe I will wait a bit to talk about it, just to see if it comes through at all for others.


quote:


line, blue coloring
only his memory. [This reads well. “Only” seems superfluous, but if you delete it, “his memory” is too thin....]


What I had in mind was pointing out the dirt and the dust and the smoke and the gas and the stench in the air that make a blue sky only present in your memory.

quote:

Day's fury around him, a fog
he needs to sift
through on his way home
to undress his wife
in the silence of the night. [This stanza moves rather quickly from the fog of war to the bedroom. I wonder is there isn’t a better transitional way to do it. You have a way of bringing in intimacy and sex into the picture without being prurient. This is actually a good stanza. In the beginning when you say “Day’s fury around him,” you then rephrase it as the “fog.” It wasn’t until I reread this that I realized it might all be a dream. Later on you say he was loving the sandbag all night.]


Thanks for this detailed comment. It is very helpful to see how you are reading it. I am thinking about your comment, will be back to say more if anything meaningful forms in my head.

Thanks again.
-s
Jan/14/2010, 3:23 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


I've read the poem through a half dozen times just to make sure my first reading is right. This is lyrically powerful. This is a poem. This speaks to what Camus called the Age of Revolution. This speaks to the personal universal.

Put it up, put it out. This may be too large for IBPC stuff. Please. The clean lines of the poem's heart kind of slice through.

Tere
Jan/14/2010, 9:50 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


Tere -

Your approval of the poem means so much to me. Thank you. Once I know what I am including in the war set, I will post them together in Ateliers to see if they work together.
-s
Jan/15/2010, 11:51 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


Hi Shab,

Another poem I meant to comment on before it slipped down the page. You said it is "not quite baked yet" and I was wondering how the baking is coming? Here are a few thoughts to consider (not sure if they are in keeping with the direction the poem is going):

A Hero Dies Every Night

He wakes up every morning, fire
traveling the air in jagged
lines, blue colors
only a memory.

He packs his mother's eyes
in his chest and his father's heart
behind his eyes;
a clutched Kalashnikov, his wings.

Day's fury around him, a fog
he needs to sift
through on his way home
to undress his wife
in the silence of the night.

Absence [or Absent] of moon, he is unaware,
travels the dark curve
below her waist
to bury the day's barrage in tangled bodies
before the sun's tapping reveals

the smell of burnt hair in the sandbag
he was loving all night.
Jan/25/2010, 9:21 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: A Hero Dies Every Night


quote:

Katlin wrote:
You said it is "not quite baked yet" and I was wondering how the baking is coming?



Kat - sorry for the delay in responding. I have had a temporary lapse in mental health. Thanks for your recommendation, I like removing the article before "absence" and will adopt it.
-s

Jan/27/2010, 2:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


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