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deepwaters Profile
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Pervasion


Unsure of the title. In a former life, this was called "a lifetime ago" but it no longer makes sense to use that title.


Pervasion

Sixteen we kissed, I fell
in love with being a tree
a forest, a grove, an oak
in my throat a robin
landed
feathers ruffled
at the slightest brush
warmth spread to my roots

seventeen, the Army called
the yellow-gloved heron
immersed
in thoughts of flight
kept a tight grip and ice
spread to my branches

he died shy
of eighteen in cacophony
of red sirens and footsteps
bombers arrived silently
war spread to my lips




Last edited by deepwaters, Jan/16/2010, 12:34 pm
Jan/15/2010, 2:26 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Pervasion


This is such a good poem. And on the strength of what I know of your poetry it comes across as a characteristically Shab poem. It has all the features I find in your poetry. The very personal voice (a good thing in your hands). The unexpected associations bodying out both emotion and the sensual, and doing so naturally. And the self-insistence of love itself in spite of all forces to the contrary, which is what war is to me. While it strikes me as possibly the exact right choice for what the poem wants, the one word that does nothing for me is cacophony. It comes over as awkwardly abstract within the body of the poem.

Not sure what the title is after. It does not convey anything I can take hold of. Looking for the word in a dictionary I came across another that surprisingly did convey how the poem takes hold of me. Permeate.

Tere
Jan/16/2010, 3:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Tere -

It is interesting you mention "permeate." That is, in fact, the word I chose first and later thought it is not going to make sense to anyone. But maybe it does make sense after all.

Thanks so much for coming in and commenting on this. I think I know the wrongness you are sensing in "cacophony." I will update this if I have any thoughts on it.
-s
Jan/16/2010, 3:21 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SteveParker Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Don't hate me for this, but I couldn't help feeling it should be 'he died shy of cacophony in eighteen red sirens'...

Sorry, I just naturally do anastrophe because I seem to have an attention problem. I find it difficult to read straight so I generally read backwards and straight and sideways all at the same time. So I've learned to like things like that. I know that is sort of fucked up haha.

I'm serious, though. I genuinely really struggle to read stuff forwards. For me this is a classic of reading askance. It sends stuff out all over that could become other constructs. You'll see them easily enough if you look. You may or may not value them. Anyway, I guess I'm introducing the possibility of commentaries like this, only more so. I was shy of doing it fully here first time out.

Feel free to tell me to stfu. I'm feckin tired and I'm probably talkin some wank.

Sorry.

Steve.
Jan/18/2010, 8:04 pm Link to this post Send Email to SteveParker   Send PM to SteveParker
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Steve-

Thanks for reading and commenting.
quote:

Sorry.


 Critiquing means never having to say sorry emoticon

quote:


Don't hate me for this, but I couldn't help feeling it should be 'he died shy of cacophony in eighteen red sirens'...


You will need to do much better than that for me to hate you.

quote:

Feel free to tell me to stfu.


I will keep that option open, but first I need to understand what you are saying. Are you saying that this piece might have a stronger impact if everything didn't read so forward?

-shab

Jan/19/2010, 5:32 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Dragon59 Profile
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Re: Pervasion


"Pervasion" is a bit off, for me. I would second a vote for "Permeate." I'd also suggest "perfusion" or "osmosis." If you're talking about people becoming part part of each other, perfusing their blood together is where the clinical part of my mind went. I could be way off base with this, but that's what I thought of.

My only other thought here is that the poem is so strong with the threads of metaphoric images, that I think you need to take some risks and trim out a few connective words. The images perfuse nicely all by themselves. Poetry is the one place where we don't NEED to use ordinary prose syntax or grammar—unless of course the poem demands it, and we want to.

So, for example, your last stanza might be a bit tighter like this:

he died shy
of eighteen in cacophony
red sirens footsteps
bombers arrived silently
war spread to my lips

I'm just thinking about how to push the poem's energy up one level of intensity. it feels a little slack to me at times, but there's real potential for something quite strong, if it can be brought out a bit.

---
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Jan/20/2010, 5:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to Dragon59   Send PM to Dragon59
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Dragon, I like "osmosis." Thanks for that.


I think you need to take some risks and trim out a few connective words.

I'm just thinking about how to push the poem's energy up one level of intensity. it feels a little slack to me at times, but there's real potential for something quite strong, if it can be brought out a bit.

yes. yes. I think you are right about the risk factor. I will take a look at this with a fresh eye. Thanks very much for your comments.
-s



Jan/20/2010, 6:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Pervasion


I like the simple structure and find some of the lines sweet. There is something old fashioned about this poem to me. I don't really know what to suggest but I think maybe more of the parts that approach imagery freshly, for instance
 
I like this part the best.
 
being a tree
a forest, a grove, an oak
in my throat a robin
landed
feathers ruffled
at the slightest brush
Jan/20/2010, 7:19 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Caroline -
Thank you for your feedback. I am glad the simple structure works for you. I will post a revision when my mental space allows me to rework this. Thanks again.
-shab
Jan/22/2010, 12:47 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Hi Shab,

I remember the original version of this and like the changes you have made in this revision. The image of the robin works better now and the inclusion of the heron makes the last lines of the second stanza work better too. The relationship between the love/nature/war imagery is tighter. I liked Dragon's suggestion of perfusion. I thought the final stanza could be trimmed as well, but my thoughts were a little different:

he died shy
of eighteen cacophony
of red sirens and footsteps
bombers arrived silently
war spread to my lips

Glad to see you are still working on this. Thanks for posting.
Jan/22/2010, 4:36 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Pervasion


Kat -
Thanks for the feedback. I am currently thinking along the following lines for the ending:


he died shy
of eighteen, footsteps
red sirens and <insert something with hush-hush of whispers>
bombers arrived silently and spread
war to my lips


Any thoughts?
-s
Jan/27/2010, 2:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


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