Pervasion https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/t713 Runboard| Pervasion en-us Thu, 28 Mar 2024 23:17:20 +0000 Thu, 28 Mar 2024 23:17:20 +0000 https://www.runboard.com/ rssfeeds_managingeditor@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds managing editor) rssfeeds_webmaster@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds webmaster) akBBS 60 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4797,from=rss#post4797https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4797,from=rss#post4797Kat - Thanks for the feedback. I am currently thinking along the following lines for the ending: he died shy of eighteen, footsteps red sirens and <insert something with hush-hush of whispers> bombers arrived silently and spread war to my lips Any thoughts? -s nondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Wed, 27 Jan 2010 14:48:05 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4622,from=rss#post4622https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4622,from=rss#post4622Hi Shab, I remember the original version of this and like the changes you have made in this revision. The image of the robin works better now and the inclusion of the heron makes the last lines of the second stanza work better too. The relationship between the love/nature/war imagery is tighter. I liked Dragon's suggestion of perfusion. I thought the final stanza could be trimmed as well, but my thoughts were a little different: he died shy of eighteen cacophony of red sirens and footsteps bombers arrived silently war spread to my lips Glad to see you are still working on this. Thanks for posting.nondisclosed_email@example.com (Katlin)Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:36:46 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4609,from=rss#post4609https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4609,from=rss#post4609Caroline - Thank you for your feedback. I am glad the simple structure works for you. I will post a revision when my mental space allows me to rework this. Thanks again. -shabnondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:47:20 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4517,from=rss#post4517https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4517,from=rss#post4517I like the simple structure and find some of the lines sweet. There is something old fashioned about this poem to me. I don't really know what to suggest but I think maybe more of the parts that approach imagery freshly, for instance   I like this part the best.   being a tree a forest, a grove, an oak in my throat a robin landed feathers ruffled at the slightest brushnondisclosed_email@example.com (carolinex)Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:19:54 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4511,from=rss#post4511https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4511,from=rss#post4511Dragon, I like "osmosis." Thanks for that. I think you need to take some risks and trim out a few connective words. I'm just thinking about how to push the poem's energy up one level of intensity. it feels a little slack to me at times, but there's real potential for something quite strong, if it can be brought out a bit. yes. yes. I think you are right about the risk factor. I will take a look at this with a fresh eye. Thanks very much for your comments. -s nondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:42:00 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4504,from=rss#post4504https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4504,from=rss#post4504"Pervasion" is a bit off, for me. I would second a vote for "Permeate." I'd also suggest "perfusion" or "osmosis." If you're talking about people becoming part part of each other, perfusing their blood together is where the clinical part of my mind went. I could be way off base with this, but that's what I thought of. My only other thought here is that the poem is so strong with the threads of metaphoric images, that I think you need to take some risks and trim out a few connective words. The images perfuse nicely all by themselves. Poetry is the one place where we don't NEED to use ordinary prose syntax or grammar—unless of course the poem demands it, and we want to. So, for example, your last stanza might be a bit tighter like this: he died shy of eighteen in cacophony red sirens footsteps bombers arrived silently war spread to my lips I'm just thinking about how to push the poem's energy up one level of intensity. it feels a little slack to me at times, but there's real potential for something quite strong, if it can be brought out a bit.nondisclosed_email@example.com (Dragon59)Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:10:49 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4460,from=rss#post4460https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4460,from=rss#post4460Steve- Thanks for reading and commenting. quote: Sorry.  Critiquing means never having to say sorry quote: Don't hate me for this, but I couldn't help feeling it should be 'he died shy of cacophony in eighteen red sirens'... You will need to do much better than that for me to hate you. quote:Feel free to tell me to stfu. I will keep that option open, but first I need to understand what you are saying. Are you saying that this piece might have a stronger impact if everything didn't read so forward? -shab nondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:32:50 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4428,from=rss#post4428https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4428,from=rss#post4428Don't hate me for this, but I couldn't help feeling it should be 'he died shy of cacophony in eighteen red sirens'... Sorry, I just naturally do anastrophe because I seem to have an attention problem. I find it difficult to read straight so I generally read backwards and straight and sideways all at the same time. So I've learned to like things like that. I know that is sort of fucked up haha. I'm serious, though. I genuinely really struggle to read stuff forwards. For me this is a classic of reading askance. It sends stuff out all over that could become other constructs. You'll see them easily enough if you look. You may or may not value them. Anyway, I guess I'm introducing the possibility of commentaries like this, only more so. I was shy of doing it fully here first time out. Feel free to tell me to stfu. I'm feckin tired and I'm probably talkin some wank. Sorry. Steve.nondisclosed_email@example.com (SteveParker)Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:04:42 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4352,from=rss#post4352https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4352,from=rss#post4352Tere - It is interesting you mention "permeate." That is, in fact, the word I chose first and later thought it is not going to make sense to anyone. But maybe it does make sense after all. Thanks so much for coming in and commenting on this. I think I know the wrongness you are sensing in "cacophony." I will update this if I have any thoughts on it. -snondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:21:38 +0000 Re: Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4351,from=rss#post4351https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4351,from=rss#post4351This is such a good poem. And on the strength of what I know of your poetry it comes across as a characteristically Shab poem. It has all the features I find in your poetry. The very personal voice (a good thing in your hands). The unexpected associations bodying out both emotion and the sensual, and doing so naturally. And the self-insistence of love itself in spite of all forces to the contrary, which is what war is to me. While it strikes me as possibly the exact right choice for what the poem wants, the one word that does nothing for me is cacophony. It comes over as awkwardly abstract within the body of the poem. Not sure what the title is after. It does not convey anything I can take hold of. Looking for the word in a dictionary I came across another that surprisingly did convey how the poem takes hold of me. Permeate. Terenondisclosed_email@example.com (Terreson)Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:09:10 +0000 Pervasionhttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4320,from=rss#post4320https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p4320,from=rss#post4320Unsure of the title. In a former life, this was called "a lifetime ago" but it no longer makes sense to use that title. Pervasion Sixteen we kissed, I fell in love with being a tree a forest, a grove, an oak in my throat a robin landed feathers ruffled at the slightest brush warmth spread to my roots seventeen, the Army called the yellow-gloved heron immersed in thoughts of flight kept a tight grip and ice spread to my branches he died shy of eighteen in cacophony of red sirens and footsteps bombers arrived silently war spread to my lips nondisclosed_email@example.com (deepwaters)Fri, 15 Jan 2010 14:26:02 +0000