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the bight (originally, headland)


rev'n 2/7

the bight

braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek the first droplet of winter arrives a harbinger of withdrawal
riders shake their cloaks droplets steam above the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets like melting snow in a ghost-cold night
in a hoarfrost field barrels brown bedecked with droplets contain what we must drink
he who is far away tonight sends a letter with blood droplets forming the shape of a wild-flying kite
the seaspray of my trust sends up salty droplets hard against the neck of the fisherman who brings supper
droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing as bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the bight bends under the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
makes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
silhouettes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of the droplets^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of our faltering words^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
each a syllable which runs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
to the other holds and heals as the sea rolls^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



_______________________________________


rev'n 2/3:





braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek is the first droplet of winter coming bringing a withdrawal
riders shake their cloaks droplets steam above the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets like melting snow in a ghost-cold night
barrels brown in a hoarfrost field bedecked with droplets contain what we must drink
he who is gone tonight sends a letter with blood droplets making the shape of a wild-flying kite
the sea of my love sends up salty droplets hard against the neck of the fisher who brings supper
bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred as droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the bight bends under the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
makes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
silhouettes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of the droplets^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of our faltering words^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
each a syllable which runs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
to the other holds and heals and never parts^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^










____________________________________________________

original




braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek is the droplet of the haste of winter coming and my fear
riders shake their cloaks droplets spring onto the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets of snow as if they sense the white night
barrels brown in a hoarfrost field bedecked with droplets hold tight what we are pleased to drink
he who is gone tonight sends a letter with blood droplets making diamond shadows of wild-flying kites
the sea of my love sends up salt oh these droplets hard against the neck of the pale fisher who brings supper
bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred as droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the year turns toward the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
shapes to silhouettes the droplets of our faltering words each a syllable which runs to the other holds and tightens and never parts

'
'
'


Last edited by pjouissance, Feb/7/2010, 10:48 pm
Feb/3/2010, 12:56 am Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: headland


hi Auto,

This poem is a pleasure to read. It's so visual and unabashedly Romantic, Old Worldy.
Words like vellum, hoarfrost--images of cloaked riders. Seems to me you set the bar pretty high, starting with:

"braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee"

Wow. Then that level of language, image and mood are maintained. I only stumbled once:

"he who is gone tonight sends a letter with blood droplets (gorgeous!) making diamond shadows of wild-flying kites" (huh?)

Something about these 'droplets' reminds me of a science lesson on rain: droplets coalescing into clouds, rainfall, separating to coalesce again--all of your 'droplets' seem connected in that way, though not logically.
Until the "faltering words" in which the syllables join, tighten and "never part."

Is the poem shaped like a headland on purpose?

Sorry to babble on, thanks for posting.

Chris

Last edited by ChrisD1, Feb/3/2010, 10:17 am
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pjouissance Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Hi, Chris,

Thanks for reading and for your comments on this old-fashioned romantick poem. The title's a problem: "droplets" or "bight" or "headland".

I'll keep trying to format the last section. It's supposed to look like the curve of a bay. I wish I could use the color function, but I'll have to keep working on that.

Take care,

Auto
Feb/3/2010, 12:57 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Auto,

Wow from me too. Romamtic, but also metaphysical? I love the sensuousness of the piece: all the sense-related details, which anchor the piece and make a living space for words like vellum, hoarfrost, bedecked and sacred, and the sensuousness of the language itself.

I like the changes you've made in the revision.

In L2, perhaps:

"on my cheek is the first droplet of winter coming harbinger of withdrawal"

(The language in the poem is what brought the word to mind.)

At first I thought kite referred to a man-made one, but then I thought of the bird.

"Bight" as the title works for me, because of its association with bite and blight.

The only word in the poem I am unsure of is heals in the last line. I like it better than tightens. "holds and wholes and never parts"? No, too gimmicky. Yokes? No, but I wondered if something a little different would work better, but that could just be me, as they say.

The poem takes me back in time, and then further back, and then outside of time altogether. Alchemy is another word that comes to mind.

Thank you for posting.

Last edited by Katlin, Feb/3/2010, 6:23 pm
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Terreson Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Whoa! Keep with the revision please. If I get the idea right true communication is a matter of touch. Words can lie and often do. Body touch never can. This is what I walk away with from the poem. Work out the problems but keep with the revision please. It is the poem.

Tere
Feb/4/2010, 10:01 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Hi, Tere,

Thank you very much for your encouragement!

I'm going to try to figure out why the edit commands don't work for me: centering, italics, color, nothing. The poem's in color. It's usually because I have a Mac. Will keep trying.

Appreciate your forum and your time, Tere,

Auto
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


I've tried to figure out how to use color, too, Auto...and I don't have a Mac. I don't understand the prompt I get when I click on color or how to use it.

Could you give us a link to the poem in color?

I'd love to see it...love the poem... not to mention, even in black and white, it looks a lot like home on the headlands to me. : )

Pat

Last edited by Patricia Jones, Feb/8/2010, 2:37 am


---
"Don't you worry--I ain't evil, I'm just bad".
~Chris Smither~
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Katlin Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Hi Auto,

Coming back to say that "heals" works for me now that you dropped "and never parts." I'm glad you kept it!

If anyone has tech trouble/questions, please don't hesitate to ask the runboard support team for help. Everytime I have contacted them, they have been very nice and helpful.
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pjouissance Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Hi, Katlin,

Thanks very much for your comments. I thought you were right about the last line, but thought maybe I could keep heals if I fixed the next phrase. I'm glad the change there works for you.

If you'd like to see the poem in color, it's a few poems down on my blog, which is here:

http://murmanskinspring.blogspot.com/

Have a great day,

Auto
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deepwaters Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


quote:

Patricia Jones wrote:

I've tried to figure out how to use color, too, Auto...and I don't have a Mac. I don't understand the prompt I get when I click on color or how to use it.



Pat -

here is how I have done color:

1. hit "color" from the buttons above
2. it prompts me to give a text, I let it sit empty and hit ok.
3. it gives me a chart and I pick the color from the chart
4. it will provide a code, that looks like this: [col=X][/col] (X varies depending on the color) and is inserted at the end of the typed text
5. put the text to be colored between the two parts of the code - i.e., between [col=x] and [/col]

viola, you have a colored text.

-s
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Hi, there, deep,

Sounds good! I'll give it a shot when I have time. It was the little box that defeated me. Of course, I'm still not even gettingitalics so i]maybe there's more to learn. I'm just grateful we have places to play like this and a nice host.

Thanks again,
Auto
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


pjouissance,

I enjoyed the roll of the language. Interesting that someone called this romantic. Well, I did get images that were very enjoyable. But for me the images were disconnected. I wasn't hit with the feeling I get when I've "discovered" a new poem. There wasn't the bounce there that I like. But it did feel like you were going in the right direction, somehow. Thanks for posting. Zak

ps -- I don't know what all the talk is about the colored poem. My copy was black and white.

quote:

pjouissance wrote:

rev'n 2/7

the bight

braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek the first droplet of winter arrives a harbinger of withdrawal
riders shake their cloaks droplets steam above the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets like melting snow in a ghost-cold night
in a hoarfrost field barrels brown bedecked with droplets contain what we must drink
he who is far away tonight sends a letter with blood droplets forming the shape of a wild-flying kite
the seaspray of my trust sends up salty droplets hard against the neck of the fisherman who brings supper
droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing as bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the bight bends under the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
makes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
silhouettes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of the droplets^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of our faltering words^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
each a syllable which runs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
to the other holds and heals as the sea rolls^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



_______________________________________


rev'n 2/3:





braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek is the first droplet of winter coming bringing a withdrawal
riders shake their cloaks droplets steam above the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets like melting snow in a ghost-cold night
barrels brown in a hoarfrost field bedecked with droplets contain what we must drink
he who is gone tonight sends a letter with blood droplets making the shape of a wild-flying kite
the sea of my love sends up salty droplets hard against the neck of the fisher who brings supper
bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred as droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the bight bends under the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
makes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
silhouettes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of the droplets^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of our faltering words^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
each a syllable which runs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
to the other holds and heals and never parts^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^










____________________________________________________

original




braille droplets on vellum contain the words with which I wed thee
on my cheek is the droplet of the haste of winter coming and my fear
riders shake their cloaks droplets spring onto the candles but no light goes out
even the eyes of those I love shed droplets of snow as if they sense the white night
barrels brown in a hoarfrost field bedecked with droplets hold tight what we are pleased to drink
he who is gone tonight sends a letter with blood droplets making diamond shadows of wild-flying kites
the sea of my love sends up salt oh these droplets hard against the neck of the pale fisher who brings supper
bathing together in a hot spring the moment turns sacred as droplets bead on the leather of our forgotten clothing
in spring droplets of honeydew will delight our mouths as the year turns toward the sun and we forget the dark season
droplets of blackberry juice will fall upon the wood floor which we have turned into a kitchen with a stove with a fire which
shapes to silhouettes the droplets of our faltering words each a syllable which runs to the other holds and tightens and never parts

'
'
'





Last edited by Zakzzz5, Feb/12/2010, 4:48 pm
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Terreson Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


Pam, and not to get too off-topic, there was a discussion in the beginning on how to align and space text. I've spent a half hour trying to find it. I went to Runboard's support staff then and learned that we have the capacity for doing so and how to do it. Unfortunately, I can't find the relevent post. Anybody who was here in '08 remember? If need be I'll contact the support people again.

And yes, for me too "play" is the operative word. I'm sure you've noticed how the board rather lightens up on a certain emphasis on criticism found elsewhere. The design is deliberate. In the beginning I compared our intended environment to something Montessori-like. Good and solid criticism is good and solid and absolutely necessary. And no critical reader can be more demanding than me. But play! That is key. How else do poets and writers stretch parameters, learn it is not only okay but essential to break tabboos, and make those startling discoveries? To me it overides the poet-to-critic axis. And I am satisfied that everyone here has proved the point from time to time. Not to worry I'm no cheese cake when it comes to crit. But play is the best possible activity for development I know of. And thanks for your very kind remark.

Tere

quote:

pjouissance wrote:

Hi, there, deep,

Sounds good! I'll give it a shot when I have time. It was the little box that defeated me. Of course, I'm still not even gettingitalics so i]maybe there's more to learn. I'm just grateful we have places to play like this and a nice host.

Thanks again,
Auto



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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: the bight (originally, headland)


pjouissance,

I looked at this again, looking for a pattern. The pattern was not a traditional story, but there was a consistency in the "feel" and there were recurring images. In fact, "droplets" appeared over and over. Sometimes repititon is the glue that binds the poem together. I'm not certain here. I still didn't get the coherence I wanted, but there definitely is a feel to the poem. Zak
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