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ChrisD1 Profile
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Three Steps Crossing


It would be like saying,
What this? Just a patch of quicksand.
Three steps across at most.

Remains of the malnourished
dog appear at the back
door of the dream of the forgotten
final exam and the missing pants
at the crucial appointment

Three steps across the irreparable oversight
Three steps crossing.
Mar/7/2010, 10:51 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Hi Chris,

I like the way you embody the ideas in the images in this poem. I also like the way the dialogue gets incorporated to set the tone.

A few thoughts off the top of my head (probably all wrong and which I will recant after further mulling--you have been warned):

"Three Steps (dropping "crossing" makes for a little surprise at the end and makes the poem less of a circle)

It would be like saying,
What this? Just a patch of quicksand.
Three steps across at most.
  
Remains of the malnourished
dog appear at the back [great line break]
door of the dream of the forgotten
final exam with [changes the emphasis and logic slightly] the missing pants
at the crucial appointment

Three steps across the irreparable oversight
Three steps crossing."

I also like the way this is short on specific circumstances, so that poem can be about any number of three step crossings, which it is. "the irreparable oversight" deftly brings the poem out of the dream state and back to bumpy reality, so in a way this is a circular poem and the circle is complete, but not really, because the consequences are ongoing, a continuing testimony to carelessness or folly, an all too human error in judgement.

Thanks for posting, Chris. I feel like making this a poem for my pocket, so I can reread it before, or after, a patch of quicksand bubbles up afore me.
Mar/7/2010, 11:34 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Thanks Kat. Italics and substitution of 'with' for 'and.' Strike me as likely edits. Thanks for your comments.

Chris
Mar/7/2010, 11:54 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


quote:

ChrisD1 wrote:

It would be like saying,
What this? Just a patch of quicksand.
Three steps across at most.

Remains of the malnourished
dog appear at the back
door of the dream of the forgotten
final exam and the missing pants
at the crucial appointment

Three steps across the irreparable oversight
Three steps crossing.



No, Chris. I tend to agree with Poe. While the epigram can carry a certain brilliant effect, it tends to not stamp itself on the soul.

Flesh out, body out, this puppy please. Give me more to hang on to.

Tere

Mar/7/2010, 10:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Tere,

I posted this hastily and can see it is very fragmentary. Maybe a poem can be developed.

On the other hand, Kat was able to glean something from it which I appreciate.

thanks,

Chris (ChrisD1)

Last edited by Christine98, Mar/14/2010, 9:58 am
Mar/14/2010, 9:57 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Hi, Chris,

Admirable economy in making a fairly complex point. I like how the second stanza takes a little work to link up and fully appreciate. The one bit I don't get is the malnourished dog. I have all the other dreams on a regular basis. The idea of setting out in quicksand with the idea that one will make it if one is light and quick works for me.

Overall, what I like is that there really aren't definite logical associations here, but I still get the meaning by osmosis. That means the approach is good, so if and when you flesh it out, hope you don't fillit up with careful connections.

Thanks for the posting, Chris,

Auto
Mar/14/2010, 2:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Thank you, Auto. Your thoughts are much appreciated. Yeah, the dog. Dreamed that dream for years; forgot to feed the dog. That one's the worst of the lot.

thanks again,

Chris
Mar/14/2010, 3:13 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


Chris,

While I can see Tere's point about developing this further, I also think the poem works as is. There are different kinds of poems, some have more meat on the bones than others. Doesn't necessarily mean the skinny ones are malnourished. This reminded me of a poem I once wrote called "Journey." The poem was prompted by my father's death and the original version of the story incorporated specific references to his passing. In the revision, I stripped those out and made the poem about any deeply life-changing experience. The spectre of death still haunted the poem, I think, but the final version left more room for the reader to make connections to his/her own life. At any rate, and for what it's worth, I read your poem in that light.
Mar/14/2010, 8:36 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Three Steps Crossing


thanks again, Kat. Lately I've been interested in images and other bits and pieces that spark associations. I don't know if this is a better, or even a good way to write. It's just interesting to me. There's an auto mechanics thing called 'gapping the spark.'

"A spark gap consists of an arrangement between two conducting electrodes separated by a gap usually filled with a gas such as air. When a suitable voltage is supplied, a spark forms...

In most cases, the largest gap you can run may still be smaller than you think." emoticon

Chris
Mar/15/2010, 9:49 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 


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