waiting on the edge https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/t903 Runboard| waiting on the edge en-us Fri, 29 Mar 2024 08:29:50 +0000 Fri, 29 Mar 2024 08:29:50 +0000 https://www.runboard.com/ rssfeeds_managingeditor@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds managing editor) rssfeeds_webmaster@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds webmaster) akBBS 60 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5834,from=rss#post5834https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5834,from=rss#post5834Katlin, I'm glad the poem speaks to you. I'm impressed, for my part, how some of the poetry and prose on the internet is actually better than what I've seen published in hardcopy by university presses. This is not to belittle university presses, or even the glossies, just to say that the good material I read here can often stand on its own two legs. Zak quote:Katlin wrote: Hi Zak, I remember the other poem you are talking about as well. I've been thinking about my earlier comment that this poem reminds me of depression era paintings and photos, and it made me realize the poem has a timeless, or outside of time, quality to it. For all the poem's detachment, I find it rather haunting and keep coming back to the quietness. nondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Mon, 29 Mar 2010 10:11:45 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5833,from=rss#post5833https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5833,from=rss#post5833Katlin, I like what you say about the lack of thunder and howling wind. In this case, I'm merely reporting an actual storm that built up like that and came without much preamble (except for the gathering dark, the awesome dark). You're right on the money about the quiet about the brothers and about the storm. I'll think about the stanza breaks. Thanks for reading and commenting. It's appreciated. Have a nice day, or evening. Zak quote:Katlin wrote: Hi Zak, The first thing I noticed about this poem is that, despite the coming storm, it is very quiet, in the same way the two brothers are quiet. No mention of thunder or howling wind. This is not a criticism. The fact that you don't mention these, as most would, is one of the things that sets the poem apart. I think it might also be one of the things that adds to the detached feeling Chris describes. The one suggestion I have is to consider breaking this into stanzas. I'm torn when I say that, because I know that the poem depicts one scene and the lack of stanza breaks reflects that unity. I think, however, there are a few turning points in the poem and stanza breaks would slow the action down and better emphasize those. Just a thought. See what you think:         nondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Mon, 29 Mar 2010 10:07:59 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5826,from=rss#post5826https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5826,from=rss#post5826This is a poem. I've noted before, Zak, that your poetry can evoke an Edward Hopper mood in me. Now I'm thinking of a contemporary of his. Grant Wood, best known for his American Gothic painting. It is the poem's tension that works for me the best, actually second best. Voice is taut. Air is as electrically charged as it would be just before a storm. Very well conveyed. And what works for me the best is that one line that carries over so much awe in the voice of, I will guess, the younger brother: "black black as crows wings." This is the line on which the whole of the poem's scene turns for me. I am also slightly tickled by the geographical positioning like a GPS's directional waypoints. The storm moving southwest to northeast tells me what I immediately suspected. The poem's blue mountains is that range that corners the states of WA, ID, and OR. I know the region slightly, at least well enough to see these boys in an area intensely agricultural, what, in itself, makes the scene the more convincing. This is one of those solid, by solid I mean grounded, poems I would IBPC nominate. I hope it gets nominated on the TCP board you frequent. When it is time for revision and rework, please employ an exceedingly light hand. It would be easy to upset the poem's balance and lose for it its tension. One thing maybe. Are you sure the poem needs the second to last line? I for one get the determination of the boys without it having to be pointed out. Just a thought. Terenondisclosed_email@example.com (Terreson)Sun, 28 Mar 2010 14:09:08 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5807,from=rss#post5807https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5807,from=rss#post5807Hi Zak, I remember the other poem you are talking about as well. I've been thinking about my earlier comment that this poem reminds me of depression era paintings and photos, and it made me realize the poem has a timeless, or outside of time, quality to it. For all the poem's detachment, I find it rather haunting and keep coming back to the quietness. nondisclosed_email@example.com (Katlin)Thu, 25 Mar 2010 11:10:08 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5801,from=rss#post5801https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5801,from=rss#post5801Christine, Yes, I found it. But that poem was about very small children being pulled out to pull weeds from the potato rows behind a potato digger (a machine that got pulled behind a tractor). This poem here is about that same family, but the kids are older now. Maybe the older boy being 14-16 and the younger one 10-12. The earlier powm was about the freezing cold and the dust, etc., and this one is about a storm and responsibility and making a grownup decision. Thanks, Zak quote:Christine98 wrote: hi Zak, As I remember the other poem, the boys are asleep in the back seat of the car, then awakened to work very early...? Don't mind me, my memory aint what it used to be anyway. Chris nondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 18:54:18 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5799,from=rss#post5799https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5799,from=rss#post5799hi Zak, As I remember the other poem, the boys are asleep in the back seat of the car, then awakened to work very early...? Don't mind me, my memory aint what it used to be anyway. Chrisnondisclosed_email@example.com (Christine98)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 15:20:02 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5797,from=rss#post5797https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5797,from=rss#post5797Christine, I went back & did a search of my files and could not find a poem about two boys and a storm. I did find a couple of other poems about field workers & their experience. So I'm at a loss why you feel you've seen this before. Maybe you're remembering a mood that may have been present here and in the other field worker poems. I'll keep looking, but have found nothing so far. I keep things in files, with the most recent poems in one file, then another file for the next most recent batch, and so forth. No luck yet. Zaknondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 12:00:45 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5796,from=rss#post5796https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5796,from=rss#post5796Hi Zak, The first thing I noticed about this poem is that, despite the coming storm, it is very quiet, in the same way the two brothers are quiet. No mention of thunder or howling wind. This is not a criticism. The fact that you don't mention these, as most would, is one of the things that sets the poem apart. I think it might also be one of the things that adds to the detached feeling Chris describes. The one suggestion I have is to consider breaking this into stanzas. I'm torn when I say that, because I know that the poem depicts one scene and the lack of stanza breaks reflects that unity. I think, however, there are a few turning points in the poem and stanza breaks would slow the action down and better emphasize those. Just a thought. See what you think: twice before he tried to get it right the darkness advancing over the blue mountains southwest to northeast two brothers quiet continuing to work the rows of stacked onions a car width apart wide enough later for bucking when the truck would come wide tires sinking into the loam the two brothers working quietly the older one left in charge watching the storm coming very black gathering in the mountains   turned black now coming in rain drops big ones from the beginning there had been a wind so big then gone then come again then more rain now a steady rain they keep working using knives they cut the onion heads tumble into silver wire baskets then into gunny sacks thick dusk gathers the rain rain brings the storm black black as crows wings so powerful the storm now lightning there had been and is the storm drenches heavy younger brother turns asks but not till the storm is there deep everywhere everything blanked by a dark water fierce does the older one say ok lets walk to the car but nobody runs they walk but not till the storm The poem raises many questions for the reader to ponder: Why are the boys out there alone? Why does the older boy keep trying to get this particular thing right? Why does the younger boy stay out there with him, until he gives the signal? To me this poem has the feel a a painting or a photograph, especially one of those depression era paintings or photos which depict scenes of poverty and the struggle for everyday survival. (Maybe this has to do with the quietness I mentioned earlier.) The poem gives me the same feeling looking at those kinds of images does, so for me, even though the approach here is one of detachment as Chris has pointed out, I still have an emotional response to it. Even though you don't describe either boy's emotions, burdened, empty, lonely, cold are the feelings that come through to me. nondisclosed_email@example.com (Katlin)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 11:51:31 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5795,from=rss#post5795https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5795,from=rss#post5795Christine, You sent me back to my files to look for that other version. I want to see the difference. You may be right that it's too detached in this version. As they say in the corporate world: "The customer is always right," and you're the customer. Thanks, Zaknondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 11:50:34 +0000 Re: waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5791,from=rss#post5791https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5791,from=rss#post5791hi Zak, I think I've seen this setting in another poem of yours, maybe when I was visiting tcp. I get the image of children working at physically punishing labor, not stopping until the older boy decides it's impossible to continue. Both behaving unnaturally for anyone, let alone children, "ok lets walk to the car/but nobody runs" And the emphasis on the timing, "twice before he tried/to get it right the darkness/advancing over the blue mountains" These kids have to keep going until the deluge is literally upon them. I'm not sure the detached tone is working for me. I understand the decision to avoid any tendency toward the sentimental and I'm not sure how to strike just the right balance. For me anyway, the read is a little too cool. Chris nondisclosed_email@example.com (Christine98)Wed, 24 Mar 2010 09:33:39 +0000 waiting on the edgehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5786,from=rss#post5786https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p5786,from=rss#post5786  twice before he tried to get it right the darkness advancing over the blue mountains southwest to northeast two brothers quiet continuing to work the rows of stacked onions a car width apart wide enough later for bucking when the truck would come wide tires sinking into the loam the two brothers working quietly the older one left in charge watching the storm coming very black gathering in the mountains turned black now coming in rain drops big ones from the beginning there had been a wind so big then gone then come again then more rain now a steady rain they keep working using knives they cut the onion heads tumble into silver wire baskets then into gunny sacks thick dusk gathers the rain rain brings the storm black black as crows wings so powerful the storm now lightning there had been and is the storm drenches heavy younger brother turns asks but not till the storm is there deep everywhere everything blanked by a dark water fierce does the older one say ok lets walk to the car but nobody runs they walk but not till the storm nondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Tue, 23 Mar 2010 05:42:52 +0000