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Christine98 Profile
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carry on beginning (revised)


each morning
the fish-fry kitchen
is dropped into an apron
pocket with holes for
the bones to fall through

the arrangement of first things
is repeated

three lemons in the light filled bowl

and you say yes to
the arrangement
always adding yes
like a small blue tile

without which the sky
would collapse

original:

each morning
the fish-fry kitchen
is dropped into an apron
pocket with holes for
the bones to fall through

the arrangement of first things
is repeated

naked and new birthed
slick as a wet blade of grass

and you say yes to
the arrangement
always adding yes
like a small blue tile

without which the sky
would collapse


Last edited by Christine98, Apr/23/2010, 1:05 pm
Apr/9/2010, 1:06 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


The original version more engages, pulls me in.

Tere
Apr/10/2010, 8:54 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Thanks Tere,

Back to the drawing board.

Chris
Apr/11/2010, 8:38 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Chris,

Throwing my 2 cents into the mix: I also like the original more.
Apr/11/2010, 3:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Thanks Kat,

Those two lines in the original won't do. Maybe just remove them--but something needs conveying/amplifying--it helps to know the revision isn't working.

Chris
Apr/12/2010, 10:50 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Christine,

Not sure about this. Seems like you're still waiting for a resolution between the first and second versions. I also can't decide. The second version's second stanza seems disassociated somehow. Maybe I'm not getting it about the holes in the apron. It might be that either you or I (the reader) can't quite decide how concrete or symbolic this poem should be. As I said, it might be myself, the reader. Thanks for posting. Zak
Apr/21/2010, 6:40 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


hey Zak,

Thanks for your input, it's always appreciated.
This one's on a back burner for a while.

Chris
Apr/21/2010, 9:59 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Hi, Christine, I admire the compression and restraint here. I only wish I could figure out what lines two through five mean. A fish-fry? Hot breaded fish? A whole kitchen into an apron? The image isn't catching me yet, and I'm sure these lines are crucial to the meaning. Maybe we could help more if you told us what the poem is about. I'm puzzled, although the other lines give me an impression of someone who needs the constant affirmation of another. But it's more than that, I'm sure.

The lines about the lemons in the bowl are lovely; I wouldn't change those.

Thanks for the posting,

Auto
Apr/22/2010, 11:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


hi Auto,

The poem is trying to capture my sense of the every-day courage/commitment it takes to carry on. Also the Buddhist notion of the possibility of beginning that is inherent in each moment. Also my own ineffable yet palpable awareness of possibility and newness upon awakening--I'm a very early riser.

Ever fry fish for dinner? Even if I wash all the dishes before I go to bed, there's that fishy carry-over the next day. It's like no matter what you cooked up the day before, no matter what a mess you made in the kitchen, you
can and really must continue...that's the arrangement...so you step up and anti-up and stay in the game. It's the only game in town.

I kind of hate to explain my poetry; not because it hurts my pride but because some impulse at the heart of the poem can never be put into words.

I'm glad you liked the new line; now that you have my explanation, do you think it works?

Thanks again,

Chris
Apr/23/2010, 8:59 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Chris,

I know from frying fish that whatever clothes I was wearing at the time smell like fish the next day. Your explanation was helpful to me. I think of lemons to cut the smell of fish and see the lemons as small symbols of the sun. I noticed that in the original these lines are set apart as one stanza:

"the arrangement of first things
is repeated"

Wondering if that arrangement might be kept and "three lemons in the light filled bowl" set aside as its own stanza? It would slow the poem down and make the line pivotal, a turning point for what is to follow.

  
Apr/23/2010, 11:13 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Hi,

Thanks for the clues, C. I think it would help a lot to add a new line 3: "from the night before", because otherwise, without your explanation, we're lost. Also, in such a short poem, the "you" is misleading as we can't tell it's really "I". I would just go with first person. As a buddhist myself I appreciate the spiritual underpinnings here and actually would like to see the poem expanded to make them stronger.

Take care,

Auto
Apr/23/2010, 12:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: carry on beginning (revised)


Kat,

Thank you for stopping in again. I've made the line its own stanza as you suggested.

Auto,

Thanks for coming back and your suggestions, both of which make good sense. I don't want the reader to feel lost but I don't want to limit or foreclose an interpretation either. I'm fascinated by Buddhism but I'm not a Buddhist--I can't discipline myself to meditate. I'm a slob, I admire you.

Chris
Apr/23/2010, 1:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 


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