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pjouissance Profile
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vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


REVISION 2 5/10/10
  (line-breaks thanks to Sam B.)


before rising, a moment of fog-
breeze. you know it will brighten
and create birds soon. sun
will spread down the trees.
sough of ocean means calm words.
the neighbor in his yard reaches

for a chicken-gift. newspaper
hits gate, and the body aches
to rise, re-make its ties.
where has it been to?
it cannot speak to tell you
that here among quiet delights are

burrowing sowbugs, snails
and worms taking silent bites:
but you with holes in leaves
will still vine up and fruit
brief red before the mildness
ends. you lift your face

your eyes and mouth under
a veil of dew. he touches
through. wind-shells clatter.
your eyes pulse, blurring
through water. base too
small for the vase.

'
'
'


_______________________________________








REVISION 5/5/10


before rising
a moment of fog-
breeze. you know
it will brighten and
create birds. soon sun
will spread down the trees.
sough of ocean means calm
words. the neighbor in his yard
reaches for a chicken-gift. newspaper
hits gate and the body aches to rise re-
make its ties. where has it been to?
it cannot speak to tell you that
here among quiet delights are
burrowing sowbugs snails
and worms taking silent
bites even in bed but you
with holes in leaves will
still vine up and fruit
brief red before the
mildness ends. you
lift your face your
eyes and mouth
under a veil of
dew. he touch
es through.
wind-shells
clatter. yo
ur eyes
pulse
blur
ring
thro
ugh
water.
base too
small for
the vase.



__________________________________


ORIGINAL

before rising
a moment of fog-breeze. you know
it will brighten

create birds. soon sun will spread down

the trees. sough of ocean
means calm words.

the neighbor in his yard reaches
for a chicken-gift. newspaper hits gate

the body aches to rise re-make its ties.
where has it been to? it cannot speak to tell you

that here among quiet

delights are burrowing sowbugs
snails and worms taking silent bites even in bed

but you with holes in leaves will still vine up
and fruit brief red before the mildness ends.

you lift your face your eyes and mouth under
a veil of dew. he touches through. wind-shells
clatter.

your eyes pulse
seeing
through water.
.

base too small for the vase.









Last edited by pjouissance, May/11/2010, 1:42 am
May/4/2010, 1:32 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
pastel Profile
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Re: vase 1


Hi Auto,

This poem doesn’t seem as complex as most of your work and seems reasonably accessible, although I could be missing a lot (after all, ignorance is bliss). So please bear with my dumbness:

The Title (as well as the shape), tells me that this poem is about home life, it also holds water which is essential to our existence. As a symbol of consciousness it could be considered to represent peace of mind, spirituality, stability. In a Buddhist sense, depending on the contents, the vase could represent different states of spirituality or awareness. Vase 1, tells me that this is perhaps the first stage of a journey exploring consciousness, which is supported by the tall shape of the vase (this could be a tall order). I suppose that in fact a reader could read a lot more into the shape of the poem too. At the moment, it appears to have a lid on it and is also shaped a bit like a Xmas tree, besides the point being made in the poem’s conclusion, that the base is too small for the vase itself.

The content of the poem presents itself in a dreamlike way, of an N awakening into consciousness, with certain seemingly everyday, nondescript occurrences impacting on awareness. The poem starts off in a cynical tone, although N attempts to convince themselves that things are better than they appear to be, and as the poem unfolds, the events described, seem to bear out the cynicism. The references to the ocean, seem to imply to me that the poem represents a metaphor for childbirth, or rather the birth of consciousness. The problem, and the crux of the message here, seems to be that the baby might be too big for the mother, thus the concluding line about the base of the vase.

I enjoyed some of the language at play here, like “chicken-gift”…I don’t know what it means, but it sounds intriguing. I thought these lines the best in the poem, probably because of their narrative quality, which is a bias I suppose:

but you with holes in leaves will still vine up
and fruit brief red before the mildness ends.


Thanks for posting. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

pastel
May/5/2010, 3:58 am Link to this post Send Email to pastel   Send PM to pastel
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: vase 1


hi Auto,

Returning to this and see pastel beat me to the punch. "chicken-gift," confuses me too.

The line(s) that floored me:

"the body aches to rise re-make its ties..." and the lines that follow. The body's deep connection to the life-cycle--including the ongoing degradation, "worms taking silent bites even in bed/but you with holes in leaves will still vine up"

Don't know what "the mildness," refers to but I sense it is an important and deliberate choice of words. The italicized words at the end make me think of the very deep unconscious, possibly spiritual aspect of experience--we can't comprehend what we embody. "base too small for the vase."

I like this mysterious poem very much.

Chris

Last edited by Christine98, May/5/2010, 12:40 pm
May/5/2010, 8:44 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: vase 1


Hi, pastel and Chris,

Thanks for your read and comments. It's wonderful how readers shed light on poems, seeing things the poet did not see, but which were there. The baby is too big for the mother indeed, pastel!

The chicken-gift is an egg. A lot of my neighbors keep chickens. This seemed ok as a way of putting it, but whenever I get arty people get lost, so I guess I should fix that!

My stuff isn't really that complex, pastel. Usually just descriptions of states of mind, though I keep getting more and more interested in the overall form visually of the poem.

Appreciate your stopping in,

Auto
May/5/2010, 12:58 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: vase 1


hey Auto,

I was thinking of the poem after I posted and I realized it was eggs. I was too lazy to edit
my post. But as soon as I 'got it' it seemed pretty obvious.

Chris
May/5/2010, 1:30 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pastel Profile
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Re: vase 1: fragile, a Ming maybe


Hi Auto,

I like the new streamlined shape. It adds more dimensions...for example a star (birth of), an even smaller base, taller vase. It's also perhaps good that the possibilities of a Xmas tree and a lid on the vase have been eliminated. This exercise has actually amazed me, with what might be accomplished with form. Thanks for posting this.

Incidentally, with a number of your neighbors keeping chickens at home, I hope you don't live in an apartment. emoticon

Take care,

pastel

PS. Recently, I've been considering presenting a poem in a "shaped" form, and what's put me off is the trade off in effective line breaks. But I suppose, if you select the right symbol (as you've done here), far more benefits accrue from the shape. Again, thanks for posting this.
May/6/2010, 3:18 am Link to this post Send Email to pastel   Send PM to pastel
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: vase 1: fragile, a Ming maybe


pjouissance,
This has a certain depth and tone that I like a lot. It also has some parts that I don't quite get. I don't know that being elliptical is good when you are also using this type of geometry. Some good stuff, though. Zak

see notes below

quote:

pjouissance wrote:

REVISION 5/5/10


before rising
a moment of fog-
breeze. you know
it will brighten and
create birds. soon sun
will spread down the trees.
sough of ocean means calm
words. the neighbor in his yard
reaches for a chicken-gift. newspaper
hits gate and the body aches to rise re-
make its ties. where has it been to? ****where has "what" been to???***
it cannot speak to tell you that
here among quiet delights are
burrowing sowbugs snails
and worms taking silent
bites even in bed but you
with holes in leaves will
still vine up and fruit
brief red before the
mildness ends.****is "it" the ocean wind or is it the newspaper??? Not clear to me???*** you
lift your face your
eyes and mouth
under a veil of
dew. he touch
es through.
wind-shells
clatter. yo
ur eyes
pulse
blur
ring
thro
ugh
water.
base too
small for
the vase.



__________________________________


ORIGINAL

before rising
a moment of fog-breeze. you know
it will brighten

create birds. soon sun will spread down

the trees. sough of ocean
means calm words.

the neighbor in his yard reaches
for a chicken-gift. newspaper hits gate

the body aches to rise re-make its ties.
where has it been to? it cannot speak to tell you

that here among quiet

delights are burrowing sowbugs
snails and worms taking silent bites even in bed

but you with holes in leaves will still vine up
and fruit brief red before the mildness ends.

you lift your face your eyes and mouth under
a veil of dew. he touches through. wind-shells
clatter.

your eyes pulse
seeing
through water.
.

base too small for the vase.










May/6/2010, 11:42 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


Hi, Zak,

Appreciate your visit. I'm glad it mostly worked for you.

The "it" you ask about is the body. The body can't speak, but it has ways of communicating its needs.

I'll look at that and make sure the referent is clear.

Thanks again,
Auto

May/6/2010, 12:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


Well, what a delightful bit of concrete poetry, a form, more closely a shapeliness, as old as poetry itself. You bet I get the visual pun involving a (too?) stylized Ming Dynasty vase. See it clearly. And having read some ancient Chinese poetry, the stuff Confucius anthologized, I am struck by how close the poem's tone comes to the Classical stuff. It is an elegiac tone that comes through so many of the ancient Chinese odes, the smaller ones in particular. I say well done on both accounts. The poem's internal, soft rhyming also works for me, it moves the poem rhythmically along. As do the outriders, the end line hangers, that serve as censura to poem's forward movement.

This is actually quite a good poem. The language playfulness is what makes the poem for me. Such a light touch your poetry making can show. Sometimes it can read like a whisper of a finger tip on the cheek. Poetry can be that physically suggestive. This one is. And texture comes through.

The poem works for me on all levels, principally on the gestalt. I hope somebody involved in the IBPC thing picks up on it.

Tere
May/8/2010, 2:50 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
sambyfield Profile
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


Hi Auto

i quite like this, though despite the good fit with the subject i find the shape offputting- really hard for me to take shape poetry seriously, no matter how strong the content.

some thoughts (don't mind me taking some liberties with the form)-

before rising, a moment of fog-
breeze. you know it will brighten
and create birds. soon, sun

will spread down the trees.
sough of ocean means calm words.
the neighbor in his yard reaches

for a chicken-gift. newspaper
hits gate and the body aches
to rise,re- make its ties.

where has it been to?
it cannot speak to tell you that
here among quiet delights are

burrowing sowbugs, snails
and worms taking silent bites
(cut even in bed)
but you with holes in leaves

will still vine up and fruit
brief red before the mildness
ends. you lift your face
lovely lines above

your eyes and mouth under
a veil of dew. he touches
through. wind-shells clatter.

yo ur eyes pulse, blurring
through water. base too
small for the vase.
May/9/2010, 5:21 am Link to this post Send Email to sambyfield   Send PM to sambyfield
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


Hi, Sam, Nice to see you in the thread. Your line breaks are masterly, mate. I think I should forget my last vase and adopt revision 2 above in your comment. You brought out the rhythm and tone extremely well. I felt you understood the poem.

Auto
May/11/2010, 12:38 am Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


The rhythm of this really struck me as i read it, glad if my suggestions were of some use emoticon
May/11/2010, 12:43 am Link to this post Send Email to sambyfield   Send PM to sambyfield
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: vase 1: a fragile ming maybe


Hi Auto,

I hope I am not too late to this dance. Love the title. It pulled me into the poem immediately. I also like the I Ching feel of:

"sough of ocean means calm words."

Lovely lines:

"the body aches
to rise,re- make its ties.

where has it been to?"

And "wind-shells clatter" is perfect.

I like precariousness of the piece, the way you have embodied the sensuousness and fragility of living things through imagery and language. Well done.
May/11/2010, 4:39 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 


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