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Christine98 Profile
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Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


You will not read this
note we never sent
and never wrote when

we were standing on the shore
attempting to reel in and then
unseal the fixed horizon
and we saw your mast surrendered to the water

sweet,
we always counted you complete

come home
all colors flying
in defeat


(I can't get this right nor can I get it out of my system. So there. I posted it.)
Jun/29/2010, 10:28 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


I can't get this right nor can I get it out of my system.

Hi Chris,

I know that feeling well! I was wondering what feels not quite right to you?

Here's my take so far:

The first two stanzas read well. I stumbled on S2. A kind of irony? I liked S3, which seemed to reverse the irony of the previous stanza, as well.

Does that help? Probably not. Tell us more about your reservations, if you want.

Jun/30/2010, 9:03 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Thanks Kat, for responding to this. I hate it when I don't get any response and am left to read into the non-response...like trying to explain something to someone who is staring at you with a blank expression.

I'm confused by this:

"The first two stanzas read well. I stumbled on S2." Did you mean S3? or did S2 read well but not make sense?

This one just has that feeling of fools' gold to me. Can't explain it beyond that.

I was thinking about that girl who attempted to set a record for being the youngest person to sail solo around the world. Then she disappeared for a day or two. I'm not much interested in that kind of thing but was surprised by how bad I felt when she disappeared...thought of Amelia immediately. Thought of all the young people with something to prove and had a vision of the old folks, standing on the shore, fretting. The generation nobody listens to any more. They know stuff but nobody cares to listen and they know that too. Like a line in the Bob Dylan song: "She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."

Thanks again for responding, Kat.

Chris



Jul/1/2010, 9:36 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Hi, Christine,

Now that I have seen your comment the poem comes clear and I really like it. The viewpoint is that of the parents. They are telling their daughter to keep her head high, this is not really a defeat.

I especially like the rhyming and the use of the word, "sweet", which tells us better who is talking (though the fishing boat which picked up the signal appears to be in here too).

I think the issue here is that all we know is that the poem is specifically about Amelia from the title, but the poem is about the girl. I was completely unable to "feel" Amelia here, and so was utterly confused especially by the mast detail. My suggestion is to change the title and focus on the girl.

I liked your Dylan quote. You might consider using it in the poem.

Thanks for the posting,

Auto
Jul/1/2010, 6:06 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Thanks much Auto,

My titles are consistently sub-par but this one is actually committing acts of sabotage. That's WAY sub-par. I'll replace it; it can just go have a drink with General McChrystal for all I care.

Chris

Last edited by Christine98, Jul/1/2010, 6:39 pm
Jul/1/2010, 6:36 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Hi Chris,

Yep, I meant S3 made me stumble. Sorry about that! Your explanation clarifies things for me. I agree with Auto that a change in the title would help orient the reader. I, too, was thrown by the mention of the mast, because I was thinking of Amelia and didn't make the connect to the girl you had in mind. Knowing that makes me read S3 in a different way, more in line with what you had in mind.
Jul/1/2010, 7:39 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Hi, Christine,

I do get what you're doing, and it's bigger than the tale of the girl; seems to me it's about women explorers.

If that is so. I'd expand the poem, double it, talk more about that.

An important subject. Thanks for the posting,

Auto
Jul/1/2010, 8:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Thank you both for encouraging me to keep working on this and giving me some very helpful
suggestions.

Chris
Jul/2/2010, 12:03 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Chris, I am sorry for taking so long to respond to your poem. Poetry is something I tend to come to not brain-tired. So I hold off for the weekend and a good night's sleep.
 This year my job is kicking me in the ass. Work weeks are hard or maybe the old bod ain't what it used to be.

The poem is working for me. I get the Amelia reference. She is like an archetype for a certain class of adventurers. Last stanza actually puts me in mind of a favorite poem some 2,500 years old. Archilochus is the poet. He was a mercenary soldier when Greek soldiers were much saught after. As a soldier it amounted to dishonor to leave your shield on the field, turn and run.

Well, what if some barbaric Thracian glories
in the perfect shield I left under a bush?
I was sorry to leave it - but I saved my skin.
Does it matter? O hell, I'll buy a better one.

If your poem brings this to mind it can't be too shabby.

Tere
Jul/3/2010, 5:54 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Thank you, Tere. Any time you drop in is a good time. That 2,500 year old poem reads quite modern; the narrator is an anti-hero. Archilochus; here's to him.

Hope you have a happy and restful 4th.

Chris
Jul/3/2010, 10:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


love the ending of this, Chris. it has a very personal connection for me; thank you for writing it.
-s
Jul/4/2010, 3:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Remembering Amelia and Other Disappearances


Shab,

It's good to know this connected. Thank you for receiving it.

Chris
Jul/4/2010, 8:23 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 


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