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The sensing of space and colour
rev.
I live on the TrA
constellation
si byl line and in-between
me io je
no--a lake in Italy.
From my window
I watch winter blood red
sunset disappear
into Atria shadow
and wonder,
could my life
have been different?
Is this where I need to be?
I'm an idealist. I search
for the last cherry on chocolate pie.
I try to understand my past--
recent, far and birth,
store spaces between things
in a vase, or poem
if I'm inspired.
What I see turns into symbols--
a country path, wildflowers,
an owl. I become a symbol, too.
When skies are reddest I hold
no thoughts, I don’t label
the different shades,
nor give myself a name.
---
I live on the TrA
constellation
si byl line and in-between
me io je
no - a lake in Italy.
From my window
I watch winter blood red
sunset disappear
into Atria shadow
and wonder,
could my life
have been different?
Is this where I had to be?
I am an idealist.
I cry more easily when I'm happy.
I search for the last cherry on chocolate
pie. I try to understand my past--
recent, far and birth,
store spaces between things
in a vase (or poem
if I'm inspired). What I see
turns into symbols--
a country path, wildflowers,
an owl. I become a symbol, too.
When skies are reddest I hold
no thoughts, I don’t label
the different shades,
nor give myself a name.
Last edited by Maria Divina, May/6/2012, 2:38 pm
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Apr/27/2012, 5:51 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
hi Maria,
A way of perceiving/experiencing/being. I think I remember that you do collage (?)
"I don't label/the different shades." I wonder if that's the difference between working with language as a medium and other mediums.
"What I see/turns into symbols--" That's what strikes me about language; every word is a 'label' in that it's a name for something else but it also symbolic in that it's a name for something else. We can't escape the symbolism.
Just riffing on your poem, which I enjoyed. Thanks for it,
Chris
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Apr/28/2012, 7:41 am
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
I live on the TrA
constellation
si byl line and in-between
me io je
no - a lake in Italy. >>> great snap in the opening! Sets the stage well…
From my window
I watch winter blood red >>> Like this but I'd consider breaking on blood
sunset disappear
into Atria shadow
and wonder,
could my life
have been different?
Is this where I had to be? >>> had??? I’m thinking maybe “need” or “supposed” fits the tone better. Just a thought...
I am an idealist.
I cry more easily when I'm happy.
I search for the last cherry on chocolate >>> fun stuff. Very engaging...
pie. I try to understand my past--
recent, far and birth, >>> this line falls off IMO maybe something like “yesterday and birth.” Not sure. I would consider dropping the repetitive “I” L2 and 3 above…
store spaces between things
in a vase (or poem
if I'm inspired). What I see
turns into symbols--
a country path, wildflowers,
an owl. I become a symbol, too. >>> I’ve become?
When skies are reddest I hold
no thoughts, I don’t label
the different shades,
nor give myself a name. >>> very solid through the end…
All in all an interesting self-perception / disclosure on what seems to be a questioning of sorts regarding the meaning of N’s life and/or the relationship to the world around N.
I thought the poem really shined in the opening, lost a bit of arc in middle yet still moved well, and concluded with significant anonymity… Which is a cool concept!
Enjoyed.
Opie.
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Apr/28/2012, 9:39 am
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Hi Maria,
Particularly curious to me is the contrast between a sci-fi vision and normie reality. So I get the sense this is someone who feels they are really different and the TrA constellation is a symbol of that.
The best experiences of the poem for me are the exotic beginning and the ending. Go for the strange!
Best,
Caroline
I live on the TrA
constellation
si byl line and in-between
me io je
no - a lake in Italy. //this placement back in Italy confuses me but then I take it the writer really is in Italy and dreaming of an alternate reality. I wonder if it would be clearer if Italy were placed at the very end of the stanza?
From my window
I watch winter blood red
sunset disappear
into Atria shadow
and wonder,
could my life
have been different?
Is this where I had to be?
I am an idealist.
I cry more easily when I'm happy.
I search for the last cherry on chocolate
pie. I try to understand my past--
recent, far and birth,
store spaces between things
in a vase (or poem
if I'm inspired). What I see
turns into symbols--
a country path, wildflowers,
an owl. I become a symbol, too.
When skies are reddest I hold
no thoughts, I don’t label
the different shades, //for some reason I love these three lines
nor give myself a name.
Last edited by carolinex, Apr/28/2012, 9:01 pm
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Apr/28/2012, 9:00 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Maria, I also get a prophetic impulse here (or at least reference in "Sy bil line" line). The wondering about a life not lived, or that may have been lived differently also points to that idea of the narrator being her own reflective oracle, or attempting to, if not foresee a future, back-see a past that was never lived.
I am very drawn to the idea of the "spaces between things" as being as real as the things themselves. I know visual artists think about space, negative space, which can be "positive" too-- beautiful and worthy of notice and attention. I am going to think more about the idea of "spaces between things" in writing too. I wonder if what is left unsaid is that kind of "space." Or maybe, how in a story, the words unspoken or the reflection or reaction on someone's face and how that can be as powerful as whatever is being reflected, or reacted to. Riffing... you got me thinking.
The poem seems strongest to me when it flows with the visual -- the cherry, the color of blood. Moments like this: "I watch winter blood red / sunset disappear /into Atria shadow."
If I had a suggestion it would be to let us see more.
Thank you for posting this.
vkp
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Apr/29/2012, 4:40 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Maria,
I like the pensive mood in this
and the moon description.
Kind of thinking this stanza
could easily be omitted without
losing strength from the
poem and I say that because
it's a question only the narrator
can answer and the reader
kind of drifts.
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Apr/29/2012, 6:27 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
I got a poem in front of me. Wasn't sure until the last two strophes. I think it has already beeen pointed out that middle portion is on the weak side. Try reading the poem to yourself sans S3 and ask yourself, is anything essential to the poem lost?
Beginning confuses me a little. I'm okay with that once I've taken in the whole poem. Then S1 reads like GPS coordinate settings. Or so I think at least. Good to go.
But the last two strophes are where the poem finds itself. They particularly put me in mind of Akhmatova.
About symbols and thinking through them, maybe you know Baudelaire's famous sonnet Correspondences.
http://www.poetry-archive.com/b/correspondences.html
Tere
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Apr/30/2012, 2:43 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Chris, I think not labelling the different shades of red implies a search for light - you know, a life without labels. The red sunsets are certainly amazing. Thanks for your response. I appreciate a lot.
Opie, thanks for reading and for your suggestions. I have replaced 'had' with 'need' to keep all the verbs in the present tense. I'm not so sure how to revise the middle part, so have just removed it for now.
Caroline, yes, that's what I'm going for. I appreciate your take on this. Thanks a lot.
ineese, I'm always grateful for your comments and suggestions. I've made some edits. I hope the poem is a bit better now.
Tere, I love reading your comments. Thanks for your kind words and I think I'm simply going to do away with the middle part, which I too have always considered unnecessary. Thanks for the link, too. Yes, the correspondences are not what we see, but what lies beyond the surfaces. It's actually quite painful to take the journey, but then what would life be without risks, little or big, inner or hidden.
My best to you all
Maria
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May/1/2012, 3:49 am
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Hi Maria,
I'd read the original version of this poem several times, and now I've read the revision. Although I miss the part about the cherry pie, I do think the editing the middle section has helped make the poem more open to the reader, who may or may not be an idealist, for example, but who is likely to wonder, question and try to understand his/her life. OTOH, I just read Tere's comment about removing S3, and think that would work as well:
I watch winter blood red
sunset disappear
into Atria shadow
I am an idealist.
I cry more easily when I'm happy.
I search for the last cherry on chocolate
pie. I try to understand my past--
recent, far and birth,
So it is really your choice as to where/how you want to put the emphasis.
As Caroline (Hi, stranger! Good to see you!) pointed out, I like the strangeness of the beginning of the poem, and I love the ending:
"I become a symbol, too.
When skies are reddest I hold
no thoughts, I don’t label
the different shades,
nor give myself a name."
That last line is killer.
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May/1/2012, 7:07 am
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
Katlin
You can't imagine how nice it's been to read your encouraging comments. Thanks you so much.
The cherry pie line says a lot about me, but I doubt that it was interesting in any way.
I may put it back. I'll think on it.
Affectionately,
Maria
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May/6/2012, 2:00 pm
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Re: The sensing of space and colour
vkp
Thanks for your comment. I seemed to have missed it. You are the second person who liked the cherry pie. Thanks for letting me know.
I too am drawn to the idea of the spaces between things - all the things left unsaid, the poems not written or just simply the feelings and messages in-between the words.
The prophetic tone may come from the need to 'relive' rather than 'live' sometimes.
All the best
Maria
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May/6/2012, 2:08 pm
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