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pin-up (year II)
out on a limb
“What the Sword-wind of the Desert” brings
to the table-Khayyam's practiced joints
interlock jetties. highways pinned to the wheel
broad honeyed thumbprints. rainbow-weighted
woodlice plotting their snubs. while the Sun shows
waist up. flickers. fish enter thru spanned shoulders
& thin blades
oar the same
square. a desert manhandles the building.
the landing lights pop.
i spent tonight looking for you. tomorrow we might be closer.
Sun, man, stairwell reach for
the same socket, in shock.
strong beats paired together
take the stairs, two at a time
amplitude eats up the steps
half the phrase
resigned to tejas
mouth upwind, nearly ship-like
teeth fan out from a stairwell
sails sift white as a planet’s
full circle
spills where he gives
a flying !@#$
& his skin fills the floor
with ash
slightly full of !@#$ too
like a ghost who just
reached out to pluck
some G-flat grapes
from a ridiculous distance
a desert repeatedly
fattens up Khayyam
only to cut him down.
holds with his lovers.
gives him dry, blue
hickeys.
-----------------------------------------
original
“What the Sword-wind of the Desert” brings
to the table. Khayyam’s practiced joints crackle
shoulders. honeyed thumbprints. woodlice
plotting their snubs. while the Sun shows
waist up. flickers. fish enter thru spanned shoulders
& thin blades
oar the same
square. a desert manhandles the building.
the landing lights pop.
i spent tonight looking for you. tomorrow we might be closer.
Sun, man, stairwell reach for
the same socket, in shock.
strong beats paired together
take the stairs, two at a time
amplitude eats up the middle
half the phrase
resigned to fire
mouth upwind, nearly ship-like
teeth fan out from a stairwell
sails sift white, bloom a sound
a planet comes full circle
crashes back to where he gives
a flying f**k
& his skin fills the floor
with sand
slightly full of s**t too
like a ghost who just
reached out to pluck
some G-flat grapes
from a ridiculous distance
a desert repeatedly
fattens up Khayyam
only to cut him down.
holds with his lovers.
gives him dry, blue
hickeys.
Last edited by culdesac101, Sep/7/2011, 7:44 am
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Sep/1/2011, 10:12 am
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Re: pin-up
This has so many good lines/images...opressively good to this reader.
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Sep/1/2011, 4:16 pm
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Re: pin-up
I think you can be a sly dog, Arka. I think the poem's polestar is not the ancient Persian Khayyam, but rather the Modern Hindi Khayyam, popular musician and composer, mostly of film scores. I think so. The poem has cadence, alacrity, and a Modern's sense of sexual tension.
About the poem proper. Either I have not been listening closely enough to your poetry or there is a tensile strength in this poem, in its lyrical voice, I've not heard in you before. Your poetry can be, what?, tentative. The voice in this one is darn near declamatory. Poet certain of what he feels. I think I get the scene and the insistence. I want more time with the poem before offering specific crits. Maybe you need more time with the poem too.
Tere
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Sep/2/2011, 12:28 am
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Re: pin-up
Thanks Alki! now i just gotta put the lines together. & that's taking me some time sadly
arka
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Sep/2/2011, 8:49 am
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Re: pin-up
Ha! that's right Tere, but then you're right about the other stuff as well. not sure where i am going with this myself. i too think i need to sit in with this for a while (=keep coming back to the board middle of the night (IST) & keep tweaking the stuff obsessively in candlelight)
thanks so much for all the help here & before.
arka
Last edited by culdesac101, Sep/2/2011, 8:53 am
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Sep/2/2011, 8:51 am
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 Re: pin-up (year II)
Interesting what Tere says. I picked up on a noted difference from the last few poems, but I could not pinpoint it as he has.
The terrain underfoot IS much firmer. I bet the tweaking can feel like quicksand, though.
quote:
mouth upwind, nearly ship-like
teeth fan out from a stairwell
...gets me going, that one does.
alki
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Sep/2/2011, 9:31 am
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Re: pin-up (year II)
Ha. you picked my fav lines Alki. that's one image i am not letting go of. comes from a time way back when i lost some (milk) teeth trying to jump up the stairs. 
arka
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Sep/4/2011, 3:13 am
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