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libramoon Profile
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road poem


so I have in foggy mind a loose plan to write a piece using a road musician metaphor using kind of jazzy lyrical form, circus/cabaret/carnival imagery with concrete 21st century flavor

any suggestions of pieces on this wavelength to study, or stories that fit the theme?
Sep/1/2010, 7:34 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: road poem



vibrate trails


Red balloon Sun sets below gray roofs lush green leaves
Relax, evening's ready to flee on the breeze, run off to join brilliant carnival dizzying noise,
comedies, party parades, grand applause, costume resplendent rebellious glittery glee
Play the big stage on the midway; wind of weary road recedes
Play for the cause, for the team, riding their stories

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads; emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie,
liquid midnight cabaret; fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

Sunswept mirage bright highways; magic never comes easy on desolation trail
Charisma of injun joe, old bonnie, unpitied desperation lost in ageless gaps, boarded traces
Listen sagelike to secret smiles, touchstone melody, long-tone remedy for living hard, dying slow alone
Crash flea-ridden roadside traps after the show goes eternally on and on,
wrenched gut throbs, eyes blurred to the sound
Twilight crowd a'clamor for loud resilient community, tranced instant glamour
distant from day's insanity entrains yearn for humanity
Learn flexible grace staggering crowded stadia; fade lines between day and night into play

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads; emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie,
liquid midnight cabaret; fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

New York City smells coarse, blood, urine, spit; Boston's vomit, dead fish, pre-hangover-dawn
Callous palaces imbued in dank beer, rowdy song; limpid eyes scour greying sky, watch clouds transform, mirror dreams
Out on spiral fire escape grates, escaping inside heat, sway to jungle beat, mesmerized memory carried on breeze
Catch that whiff of inspiration; spin out an anchor of sound vibration
Notes transmit emotion -- magic of music

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads; emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie,
liquid midnight cabaret; fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires
Sep/5/2010, 9:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: road poem


Are you serious? I don't know your poetry yet. But this thing is kind of messing with my synapses. Is this really the sort of thing you can do? First reading and I get vertigo. Second reading and I am still shaking the sensation. With third reading I get sense and logic, anchoring in your shamanical thing.

Still shaking my head. How do you see this stuff in the places the poem names? How does the poem manage, which it does, to find dynamic in the place-names it tags?

Is this improv or studied, worked? Whoa, just whoa! Two poems today have stopped me. I call this a good day. I wish I had written this poem.

One thing and I hope you don't mind me saying so. Poem's title is not large enough.

Tere
Sep/6/2010, 1:27 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
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Re: road poem


Libra, I've come back to your poem. I couldn't find it at first and so I thought perhaps I had dreamed it. You'll be glad to know Ateliers is pretty much protected from eyes you don't want seeing anything here. Your post is not included under your name. Fortunately I finally remembered where you placed the poem.

I am back to the poem because it haunts. Not sure why it does yet, but eventually I'll figure that out. Today's reading, my third, brings out the poem's mechanics, how it is constructed. I don't know what you know. Likely you know more than I do about the prosodic stuff. I do know this is one of the best poems in vers libres form I've read in a long, long time. Assonance, attention to sound matching sense, internal rhyme, alternations between masculine and feminine rhymes, rhythmic cadence dictating line length, and the poem's sprung rhythm, the Hopkins thing.

I know we are not supposed to critically appraise or aprise a poem put in Ateliers, that it is supposed to be your own studio space. I should know since I made the rule. But I got to say the word smithing involved in this poem is striking.

Now I need to figure out why the poem haunts the way it does.

Tere
Sep/6/2010, 5:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: road poem


Hey Tere,

Where do I begin to respond?

So, do you think I succeeded at my self-imposed challenge?

It is still a piece in progress; but I think mostly in place.

vibrate trails


Red balloon Sun sets below gray roofs lush green leaves
Relax, evening's ready to flee on the breeze,

run off to join brilliant carnival dizzying noise,
comedies, party parades, grand applause,

costume resplendent rebellious glittery glee
Play the big stage on the midway; wind of weary road recedes
Play for the cause, for the team, riding their stories


Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;

emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;

fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

Sunswept mirage bright highways; magic never comes easy on desolation trail
Charisma of injun joe, old bonnie, ageless desperation

lost in unpitied gaps, boarded home
Listen sagelike to secret smiles, touchstone melody,

long-tone remedy for living hard, dying slow alone
Crash flea-ridden roadside traps after the show goes eternally on and on;
wrenched gut throbs, eyes blurred to the howl
Twilight crowd a'clamor for loud resilient community;

tranced instant glamour distant from day's insanity entrains yearn for humanity
Learn flexible grace staggering crowded stadia; fade lines between day and night into play

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;

emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;

fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

New York City smells coarse, blood, urine, spit;

Boston's vomit, dead fish, pre-hangover-dawn
Callous palaces imbued in dank beer, rowdy song

Limpid eyes scour cerulean sky, watch clouds transform, mirror dreams
Out on spiral fire escape grates, escaping inside heat,

sway to jungle beat, mesmerized memory carried on breeze
Catch that whiff of inspiration; spin out an anchor of sound vibration
Notes transmit emotion -- magic of music

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;

emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;

fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

Sep/8/2010, 1:50 am Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: road poem


Libra, I figured it out. I said I would and did. Why this poem of yours, really a tone poem actually, comes over haunting. Hope you don't mind. But sometimes I just got to be stupid and non-literary. Here is why your poem haunts. Or if not why, at least how.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KP9PNSUME4&feature=PlayList&p=2A7B4C46FB37EE1B&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1

Tere
Sep/8/2010, 3:13 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: road poem


vibrate trails


Red balloon Sun sets below gray roofs lush green leaves
Relax, evening's ready to flee on the breeze,
run off to join brilliant carnival dizzying noise,
comedies, party parades, grand applause,
costume resplendent rebellious glittery glee
Play the big stage on the midway; wind of weary road recedes
Play for the cause, for the team, riding their stories

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;
emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;
fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

Sunswept mirage bright highways; magic never comes easy on desolation trail
Charisma of injun joe, old bonnie, ageless desperation
lost to unpitied gaps, boarded home
Listen sagelike to secret smiles, touchstone melody,
long-tone remedy for living hard, dying slow alone
Crash flea-ridden roadside traps after the show goes eternally on and on;
wrenched gut throbs, eyes blurred to the howl
Twilight crowd a'clamor for loud resilient community;
tranced instant glamour distant from day's insanity entrains yearn for humanity
Learn flexible grace staggering crowded stadia; fade lines between day and night as you play

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;
emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;
fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires

New York City smells coarse, blood, urine, spit;
Boston's vomit, dead fish, pre-hangover-dawn
Callous palaces imbued in dank beer, rowdy song
Limpid eyes scour cerulean sky, watch clouds transform, mirror dreams
Out on spiral fire escape grates, escaping inside heat,
sway to jungle beat, mesmerized memory carried on breeze
Catch that whiff of inspiration; spin out an anchor of sound vibration
Notes transmit emotion -- magic of music

Pay toll to chance crossings uncertain roads;
emotion fused memory flows, shaman's intimate reverie, midnight liquid cabaret;
fingers, face, desire, dance a montage music inspires
Sep/8/2010, 3:42 am Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: road poem


Hi Libra,

Captivating poem. I saw such a red balloon sun setting just the other night, so I'm taken in by your opening line.

I'm not sure how to proceed, with general comments or more specfic?

I know we are not supposed to critically appraise or aprise a poem put in Ateliers, that it is supposed to be your own studio space. I should know since I made the rule.

Tere, as I understand it, critical appraisal is not out of bounds in Ateliers if the writer requests it:

Members also get to set their own parameters on how their showings get spoken to.

http://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/t87
 
Laurie, let us know what your preference here is, okay? For now, I'll just agree with Tere: the word smithing here is striking.

Last edited by Katlin, Sep/9/2010, 1:03 pm
Sep/9/2010, 1:02 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: road poem


Thanks, Katlin. Sure, any comments could be helpful. I'm kind of at the point where I've been looking at this so much that I can't stand it. Other perspectives might be just what I need to see it more clearly.
Sep/9/2010, 1:43 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: road poem


Thanks for the clarification, Kat. You are good. It has been two years since we made all of those rules. Clearly time for me to revisit them.

And, Libra, don't be getting sick of this thing. It is hot to trot. I've read it maybe a half dozen times now and it still carries over kineticly. I have a question for you. I barely know your poetry yet. But this poem is quite different from what you included in your ezine's most recent issue. Or so it seems to me. Do you think it is? If so, why and how?

Tere
Sep/9/2010, 4:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
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art/life/science


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-11233452

Study to develop 'musical prescriptions' for patients

Last edited by Terreson, Sep/9/2010, 9:08 pm
Sep/9/2010, 8:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: road poem


I am exploring different themes and using different techniques for this piece than for those in the 'zine.

I did try your trick of unchecking and rechecking; but no live link.
Sep/9/2010, 8:11 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: road poem


There we go. I need to figure through the problem. Link lives.

Tere
Sep/9/2010, 9:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
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Re: road poem


don't be getting sick of this thing.

Don't worry. I'm not abandoning the project, just taking some time away so I can look at it with fresh eyes.
Sep/10/2010, 8:32 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: road poem


Thanks for the link on the reading discussion to the Baudelaire piece, from which I jumped to the serendipity of this piece by Warren Nelson:

The Band
by Warren Nelson

God plays the bones and needs a band
To keep the beat of human endeavors,
To mark time in the breath of every lung
In the living day.
Up and down the ecstasies,
Whole step whole step half step major scale
And the chromatic changes in the jazz of improvising
An afternoon.
Song is God-
In the beginning was the word-
And then the tune to carry
And the ring in to dance.
Song is God-
As wind through the clarinet’s pipe-
As the string vibrates eternity-
As the harp calls Angels to
Welcome the infants.
As we are instruments
Of God
Cooing the lullabies,
Crescendoing to life’s end-
The great symphony of the world.
And the longing to hear through brass and reed-
Harmony.
As we are the instruments
Holding the instruments in joy
And in the contrabass of sorrow.
Arrest the birds.
Put them to death.
And the purr of cats-
And the barking of dogs-
And the roar of King Lion-
And the whale’s long clarion sounding
In the bowls of the oceans
Muzzel the language of instrumental music
That is universal
Heard across the borders of
Dictionaries.
How about a whistler?
The music of humming?
The inner melody of the orchestra
Of the body.
The stirring marches of nations.
Get up off your knees Islam
And stop the chanting by law.
And stop the screaming whine of guns
And the torpedoes cymballing death.
And listen to the music
Of the spheres here and now.
Allah Allah
Allalujah!
Sing Hallelujah!
The Hallelujah Chorus.
Let the sax take a solo.



http://poetrydispatch.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/warren-nelson-an-old-story-an-old-song-a-new-poem/
Sep/12/2010, 4:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: road poem


This speaks to me, Libra. Contrabass of sorrow and whale's long clarion sounding especially.

You just got to love how poets can proceed associatively. In the present case from Baudelaire to this. Works for me.

Tere
Sep/12/2010, 4:37 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: road poem


Hi Libra,

Coming back to your poem at long last. I was gone but your poem was not forgotten.

I like the stanza breaks in versions 1 and 3 better than the ones in version 2, which feels too broken up and choppy to me. For critiquing purposes, I'm going to use version 3.

I love the lines:

"costume resplendent rebellious glittery glee
Play the big stage on the midway; wind of weary road recedes"

and the phrases: "midnight liquid cabaret." &
"Learn flexible grace staggering crowded stadia"

I stumbled a bit on "entrains yearn for humanity". About the title: maybe "vibration trails" or "vibrating trails"?

I read this as a tone poem, a jazzy, juicy mood poem. Would love to hear you read this. This strikes me as a poem that would make a good multimedia piece. It stands alone but would also work well with background music and images, I think.
Sep/30/2010, 2:12 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 


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